AP WIRE: FURIOUS GEORGE BEATS SENIORS IN MARATHON

FURIOUS GEORGE WINS IN MARATHON AGAINST SENIORS FROM MOUSE TRAP... CHERRY PIE SWEEPS WILLIE, THEN TELLS HIM TO 'QUIT STINKIN AND START THINKIN'... CREEPY REPLACES VETO ATOP URQUHART'S LIST OF 'MOST HATED' PEOPLE

Portland, OR (AP) Furious George played the seniors from The Mouse Trap on Monday night, and were quickly drawn into their slow, clumsy, atrophic style of play. Creepy stepped up first, paired against Old Man Winter himself. He stuck to his callisthenic routine and played consistent pool, though at times he struggled to put the old timer with cataracts away. But in the end, Old Man Winter gave Creepy one too many ball-in-hand opportunities (all the while blaiming his air balls on the mysterious table rolls), and our hero managed to finish him, 4-3.

Next up was Black Jack Willie Ryder, who would not fare so lucky on this night. He faced the dreaded Cherry Pie, and fell straight into her trap. Like a spider to a fly, Willie stood no chance. He mistook her lovable-old-gradma jibber jabber for weakness, and quickly paid the price. The Pie stuck like lightning, throwing Willie's internal campus into a spin. She laughed and carried on talked subtle trash - and sank two quick eight balls in a row. Willie began to panic, as any sane minded man with a backbone would. 'Oh no', he thought, 'I can't get swept by Cherry Pie'. But it was already too late. She stood there grinning with those two big cherries hugging her massive, drooping boobs, working Willie over like a fluffer on a porn set.

Willie was confused, shocked, appalled; slightly dizzy even. The trap had been laid, her venom injected into his veins. He was stuck in The Pie's web and some sort of gooey, cherry flavored desert filling was smeared all over his face. He couldn't move, couldn't breath, his mind was flashing static like an empty tv screen. It was awful. Fans mumbled amongst themselves and quietly left the room. His teammates hid their eyes. Binkstenders gasped in horror. And then, like the snap of a finger, it was over. Cherry Pie 3, Willie 0. Our despondent comrade retreated to Taco Bell, searching for solace in a bean burrito and a Mexican pizza. It is doubtful, however, that he found it.

In fairness to Willie, let me now state for the record that he was not the first Binks player to face humiliation at the hands Cherry Pie, nor will he be the last. 'I still have nightmares about my first match with Cherry Pie,' admitted Veto afterwards. 'Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, crying like a child.' Furious George 1, Seniors 1.

Leeann stepped to the table for match three. It did not start good, and she quickly fell behind 2-0. Her teammates did not have the heart tell her that her opponent only had one eye. Rumor has it that the ancient World War One vet lost it to a German bayonet. 'It took him several years to learn to play again after losing that eye,' Cherry Pie explained, 'due to the problems with his depth perception and all.' A loss by Mixa would assure humiliation for many sessions to come. But the newcomer battled back from her slow start, pushing the match to the hill and sinking a brilliant cut shot for the win! The fans and the bench exploded simultaneously, with roars and cheers spilling onto the street and drowning out the jukebox.

When asked about her beautiful cut shot - one that was surprisingly similar to the one that she used at The Mouse Trap last week - Mixa explained her thought process to a roomful of reporters. 'I was just setting myself up for the full table cut on the eight ball,' she said. 'Yup, that's the one I wanted in the end. I do like that full table cut shot.'

'Her signature shot', gasped a journalist from Billiards Digest. 'The Cut Shot.' Perhaps, she thought, a new nickname has been born.

Furious George 2, The Seniors 1.

Up fourth, and with a chance to seal the victory for The Georges, Urquhart strode to the table. His stroke was silky smooth like the flesh on a young man's bones. He fought valiantly as game one got under way. But The Finger proceded to mangle ball-in-hand opportunity after ball-in-hand opportunity, blowing the first two games and essentially handing Serial Killer Dave the victory.

Our fearless leader lurked back to his bar stool at the end of the bench. He fumed and searched for a target to release his fury upon. Veto cowered like a dog who has been kicked too much, expected to take the brunt of it. But surprisingly, Urquhart took aim at someone other than Veto. Tonight, it would be Creepy. 'I'll tell you what', Urquhart exclaimed, 'I've had it up to here with that guy! The nerve of him, screwing up that timeout earlier tonight. And who does he think he is, coming here every week, acting all polite and quiet and respectful towards those around him. I've had enough of his act, and it ends NOW!' he declared, slamming down a closed fist against the bar. 'Creepy has officially replaced Veto on my list of most hated people!'

By this time Willie had come back from Taco Bell and Cherry Pie had him cornered. With a stiff drink in hand, she chastised him for his play, bluntly telling him to 'quit stinkin and start thinkin!' She lectured him on all the nuances of the game, pointing out his flaws and mocking his techniques as she rambled on and on into the night. Willie took his medicine, as they say, and handled the beating with grace. Though down tonight, he knew he would be back for his chance at redemption; someday, somehow... and only if Cherry Pie doesn't die first.

'Surely this loss will sting for Willie,' Urquhart would say afterwards, 'as it should. The Pie worked him over good tonight, REAL good. But he'll think about this and grow from it. Yes, it'll burn a hole in his memory for years to come and it will haunt him in his dreams. But I'll tell you what,' he snapped, pointing a finger at the crowd of reporters, 'I sure as hell wouldn't bet against Willie next week. He'll be out for vegence after this one, I goddam guaranty it!'

Furious George and The Seniors were tied at two as Veto stepped to the table for the final match of the night. After giving away game one with a scratch on the eight ball, Veto played steady for the rest of the way. He applied pressure and beat his opponent to Old Blackie in every game. He would not miss another eight ball attempt. He won 4-1, closing out a 3-2 team victory for Furious George.

'It was a long, tough win tonight,' reminisced Coach Urquhart at his Tuesday morning press conference. 'If it felt like this match lasted for four and a half hours, that's because it did. But we pulled through with a victory in the end, thanks to Creepy, Mixa, and especially Veto - who picked up the shattered pieces of my loss and closed it out for us at the eleventh hour.'

In a related story, Furious George player Bam Bam has officially been missing for 36 hours. Texts and phone calls have gone unanswered, and there was no sight nor sound of him on Monday night. 'If you see The Bam,' warned Police Chief Wiggins, 'proceed with extreme caution. We have reason to believe that he is armed and dangerous. He carries a secret weapon that the street kids like to call... the sneaky pete. And he is not afraid to use it.'