HOT NEWS FROM THE AP WIRE

URQUHART MANGLES BALL IN HAND OPPORTUNITY, SUBVERTS SWEEP;
CHERRY PIE ADMITS PASSIONATE FANTASIES FOR FORGETFUL OPPONENT

Portland, OR (AP)

Some within the billiards community are calling it the worst mental error of all time. Much worse than the time Veto forgot to put the cue ball in the kitchen after his opponent scratched on the break. By far more horrendous than the time Urquhart mistook the seven ball for the cue ball during a drunken, late night practice round. And yes friends, even more appalling than the time some guy from Sweet Home fouled by touching the cue ball with his exposed, uncircumcised penis. Yes, last night the unthinkable happened. At the crucial point in his match, and with the team's undefeated run on the line, Urqhuart simply forgot... that he had ball in hand.

"What happened last night was the brain fart of all brain farts," said APA historian Lefty Worrell. "Why anyone would leave themselves that much green on a ball in hand situation - or even worse, how one could forget altogether that he had ball in hand - is a mystery to me."

"Well, I can't dwell on that now," said a despondent Urquhart afterwards. "Sure I cost us the opportunity to end our otherwise disappointing session with a glorious, momentum shifting sweep, but lets not forget what I was up against here. Cherry Pie cast her strange voodoo spell on me once again, and I simply forgot that I had ball in hand." He then paused, seemingly trying to make sense of it all. "All I can do now is focus on the positives and move on," he said. "I mean, it wasn't all bad out there. I did manage my balls well. And I was stroking my shaft nicely all night long."

Despite the ghastly blunder, most of his teammates remained supportive of their fearless leader. Said a shocked but compassionate Willie Ryder, "What can you do, it happens. Sometimes people forget they have ball in hand. I mean, I've never actually seen it happen to anyone else, but I know now that it is possible."

Added Veto, "At least he handled himself well. I probably would have strangled someone, or at the very least cursed out one of those poor, helpless old ladies before redirecting my wrath towards my coach and all other innocent bystanders; starting with the women and children."

Other teammates were less forgiving of Urquhart's latest blunder. When pushed for a comment, co-captain Creepy White was direct and outspoken, saying, "That was the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Lets just hope he doesn't screw up the wild card draw in the same kind of dramatic fashion. I swear to God Urquhart, you better redeem yourself and get us that wild card birth or so help me Jesus..."

Andy and Waylund refused to comment on the brewing scandal, although both quickly answered "yes" when asked if they thought Urquhart should be tested for Alzheimer's after last night's unexplainable mental lapse.

When contacted by phone and asked for his take on the matter, Chewy sounded confused and slightly upset at the line of questioning. "What, we had pool league last night?" he asked. "On a Monday? What the hell guys? Why didn't someone inform me of the schedule change?"

Said Cherry Pie, who was the recipient of Urquhart's generous gift, "Thanks for giving me the match Ross. You know I love you anyway, but this really solidifies my feelings for you. Hoo boy, if you were straight I would do nasty, kinky things to that hunky body of yours." She then fanned her flush face with an APA score card and lit up a cigarette, apparently transfixed in a moment of fantastic sexual bliss.