PLAYOFFS TONIGHT

THE BATTLING BASTARDS ENTER PLAYOFFS WITH QUIET CONFIDENCE; URQUHART POISED TO BLAME VETO IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG

PORTLAND, OR (AP)

By all subjective accounts, The Battling Bastards are entering the playoffs in very strong shape. Though no one else in the league seems to have taken notice yet, the boys from Binks have won 7 of their last 10 matches and appear to be peaking at the right time.

"We're shooting good pool and the rankings play in our favor tonight," said a stoic Coach Urquhart during his Sunday afternoon press conference. "Chewy is playing some of his best pool right now, which makes him a very strong two to contend with. I have kicked my game up a notch as well, which makes me a strong three... If only that son of a bitch Veto hadn't gone back up to a five, we'd be in near perfect shape right now."

Urquhart then turned beat red and began to noticeably clench his jaw as the thought of Veto's latest blunder sent his blood pressure through the danger zone. "Damn that 'effing Veto!" he screamed, slamming his iron fist into the table.

While Coach Urquhart was being restrained and provided with an oxygen mask to help calm him down, other members of the team stepped in to answer questions from the crowd of anxious reporters.

"I feel good about our chances," said a humble Bam Bam. "We got a gift with this playoff birth, and I feel confident that we're going to take advantage of it."

Added Creepy White, "I practiced all weekend and then ate sushi in Hillsboro. Mmmm, California rolls... Ikuru.... Sake"

"Big time players make big time shots in big time games," interrupted an outspoken Chewy Webb. "Do I like the pressure? You bet your ass I do. I thrive under the bright lights of a playoff match. The Kenton Club just better hope the TV cameras aren't there. I'm an animal when the TV crews are around."

"Sure, I like our chances," said the ex-Assistant To The Assistant Head Coach Veto Molinari. "We've all been finding our stride over the last few weeks, we got in some good practice this weekend, we're loose, Chewy and Urquhart have stepped up their games to a new, electrifying level... the Kenton Club better bring their A games tonight."

After calming down and restoring the natural color to his face, Urquhart was asked what it will take to win tonight. "Well," he answered, "if everyone does their job we should be fine. I have faith in the guys and I think we're all ready for the challenge. Except for Veto. I just never know with that mad man."

Urquhart then began turning red again, and a small stream of white foam became visible under the bottom left hand corner of his lip. "If anything goes wrong tonight, so help me Jesus," he fumed, "I will smack Veto down like the little bitch that he is! And then I'll go to his house, I'll find his family, and I'll..."

The fiery coach was then stopped in mid sentence and forcibly removed from the podium, kicking and screaming and railing against Veto for all the depravity in the world.

While some savvy journalists questioned openly whether of not the coach's tirade was an act - a ploy, if you will, by a coach trying to fire up his team before the big game - others believed his anger was sincere. "That Veto is going to take ten years off of his life," said Wally Pendergrass of the New York Times. "At least ten freaking years, man."