CREEPY BEATS VETO, HOLDS ONTO FIRST

THE CHAMP HOLDS ONTO FIRST PLACE WITH VICTORY OVER VETO... VETO VOWS TO CHALLENGE HIM AGAIN… SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW, PREFERABLY WHEN THE CHAMP IS TIRED AND HUNG OVER, POSSIBLE WHEN HE IS ILL WITH THE FLU... CHEWY MAINTAINS CULT HERO STATUS, SURPASSES JOHNNY ROTTEN ON VH1'S TOP 100 LIST

Portland, OR (AP) The Champ held serve on Wednesday night, beating Veto and holding onto his first place team ranking. In a best of five series (yes, the change was cleared with Commissioner Urquhart beforehand, who ruled that players could change the race as long as they both agreed), The Champ stormed out of the gates strong, marching around the table like some kind of high tech pool robot and winning the first two games. Veto battled back in game three, running his balls quickly and five balling his stunned opponent. Then, in the fourth game, Veto slipped and gave The Champ ball in hand with two balls left on the table - both hanging in the corner pockets. The Champ took advantage of Veto's mistake, running out the table and winning the match as the thrilled crowd erupted in applause.

Said Veto afterwards: "I have to tip my hat to The Champ. He shot well, applied lots of pressure, and took advantage of my mistakes - as all great champions do. He looked dashingly handsome as well, resembling a cross between Britt Hume and Tom Cruise circa his Risky Business days. What can I say, its tough to beat a man with that combination."

The Champ, responding to Veto's praise, said the following: "This is true, I did look good tonight." When asked if he would challenge The Champ again, Veto said, "Oh yes, I will challenge him again. When the time is right - preferably when he is sick, hung over, or consumed with some sort of deep personal anguish - I will challenge again. Yes indeed, sure as the sun rises and sets, I will challenge him again."

In other news, Chewy Webb maintained his cult hero status on Monday night by picking up his sixth straight win and saving the team from a humiliating sweep at The Kenton Club. Like a true magician, Chewy yielded his stick like a wand, easily sweeping his stunned opponent. Fans on Alberta street huddled around transistor radios, cheering every shot. When the final eight ball dropped, they erupted in pandemonium. Grown met hugged strangers in the street as bottles of champagne popped and sprayed into the air. Cars honked and traffic ground to a hault. "People were going crazy in the streets," confirmed a man in a white Nissan Altima. "It was like Mardi Gras out here!" Women ripped off their shirts and ran around hysterically, their breast bouncing gracefully in the fall night. "Chewy just makes me soooo HOT!" exclaimed one female fan, summing up the sentiment of the masses.

When asked about the rumor that Chewy has cracked VH1's 'Top 100 Cult Heroes Of All Time', an insider from the station confirmed, "Its true, this Chewy Webb guy is moving up the list like a bullet! He just passed Johnny Rotten, and is poised to move by Kurt Cobain within the next few weeks."

Said Police Chief Wiggins of the Portland PD, "We have, uhhh, tried our best to control the riots and maintain the peace on Monday nights in Northeast Portland. However, this outlaw Chewy Webb is making our job very difficult. If this continues, we will be forced to release the dogs on the men and the stun gun on thes bare chested maniacal women. Sadly, we are left with no other option at this point. So please ladies, we beg of you, put your breasts away and return to your homes in an orderly fashion."