Portland, OR (AP)
Furious George - riding a two game winning streak and lingering just 5 points out of first place - tangled fiercely with Piedmont Place on Monday night. Possibly distracted by the gals from the Red Hat Society, who were barnstorming through the pool room and raising a little hell before their 8:30 bed time, things started slow and shaky for the Georges. Mixa and Creepy fell in quick succession, putting the hometown heros in an early 0-2 hole.
When Chewy stepped to the table for match three, he knew he had to slow things down and take his opponents out of rhythm. Playing against a weak two, he dragged out the innings and put the Piedmont bench on cold ice. "I could have easily won those first three games in 25 to 30 innings," said Northeast Portland's favorite underground cult hero, "but I chose to drag it out a little longer, let them really feel the pain of a slow dagger."
His plan worked perfectly, as usual, and Chewy coasted to an easy 3-0 victory. By the time his two hour marathon match had ended, Piedmont Place had fallen into a near comatose state. Players nodded off in their chairs, pleading with each other to wake up and snap out of it. Some woke up startled, asking what day it was and where they were.
Chewy had masterminded the beginnings of a perfect comeback. "It was a brilliant plan to slow things down a bit," said Coach Urquhart afterwards. "It helped us seize back the momentum. I tell you what," he went on, "those are the kinds of moves that don't show up in a box score, but they win games for the team."
Trailing 2-1, Bam Bam took the table for match 4. Fresh off the plane from Tijuana, he was red eyed and rail thin. "Four days in a Mexican holding cell will do that to a man," commented Veto, shaking his head like a man who had also seen such horrors. Urquhart, who had been negotiating for days with Mexican authorities, finally worked out a deal to get him back to the States; though the details are still fuzzy and unknown. Some close to him have suggested that he used personal funds to bring Bam Bam home. "He felt so bad about stealing all the money from the scratch jar," said one longtime associate, "that he raised Bam Bam's bail money on his own, dancing at Embers."
Running on tequila fumes and adrenaline, The Bam battled out of the gates and picked up steam with each successive game; his innings decreasing and his precision increasing with each passing inning. "It was an impressive performance indeed," commented ESPN Billiards Analyst Ava "The Striking Viking" Mataya-Lawrence afterwards. Showing her toothy smile, she summed it all up nicely: "After four days of hell in that God foresaken third world country, The Bam was able to step into a must win situation, block it all out, and play winning pool. He really showed his fans and teammateswhat he's made of tonight."
Furious George 2, Piedmont Place 2.
Meanwhile, on the side tables, some of the most spectacular pool action of the night was taking place. The Finger and Creepywhite were dead locked in challenge play when The Finger unleashed out one of the greatest pressure shots of all time. Seemingly snookered after a strong defensive play by CW, The Finger calmly eyed a kick shot and executed it with perfect technique and aim. The railbirds exploded in applause, with at least one metrosexual man passing out from all the excitement. "That Finger is just soooo cool under pressure," he said upon being woken up with cold rags and smelling salts.
"That was an amazing shot, no doubt about it," said Billiards legend Earl Strickland, who just happened to be at attendance for the big inter-divisional showdown. "Not many people can pull that one off, but The Finger used his secret weapon: the flimsly finger bridge. It enables him to generate just the kind of deft touch necessary to pull off a shot like that."
Victorious and feeling confident, Urquhart poured back shots of whiskey like water. Before long he was drunk and glowing with the warm rush of success. His new nemeis Creepywhite was, for the moment, his bitch. "I challenge you, Veto!" the new number two declared, poking his famous finger in his new target's chest. "You're next Spaghetti Sauce!"
Veto, however, had other business to attend to at the moment. Tied 2-2, he stepped to the table for the final match of the night. For the second week in row, his game would decide Furious George's fate. Paired against a six, Veto nearly saw a break and run executed against him in the first game. But he refused to be intimidated, and battled back courageously in the games that followed. He ran balls, kept the innings short, and - in the end - applied just enough pressure to pull out a 4-2 win.
The comeback was complete! Furious George 3, Piedmont Place 2.
After being down 0-2, Chewy, Bam Bam and Veto had mounted a charge for the ages and given Furious George their third straight victory. The boys slapped high fives and celebrated their dramatic, come from behind win. Down on Alberta street, fans rejoiced and gathered around the pool room at Binks, hoping to catch a glipse of their heros as they returned for the after-party. "Do you think The Bam will be here," one small child was overheard asking his father as they waited together on the sidewalk. It was past his bed time, and he shivered in the cool fall night. "Maybe son," he replied, "just maybe."
"The session is young and we're looking good," summed up Coach Urquhart on Tuesday morning. "If we keep racking up wins, we'll stay in contention."
Wise words indeed Coach, wise words indeed.
"Sometimes it just feels good to kick some ass," said Chewy afterwards, cigarette planted firmly between his pursed lips. "Tonight, I suppose, was just one of those nights."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Bam Bam being traded? Leanne's Boyfriend is real?
Notice from the Captain.
I know you've all been talking about it, so I just wanted to clear up a few items.
#1. We could not add Leif to the team mid-season. I have since stopped trying to kick Waylund off. If he would stop screwing around at work, he might actually be able to get off early and come hang out.
#2. Toby has been elevated to triple probation. No reason; guy just bugs me.
#3. I'm in discussions with Cherry Pie for her to 'take care' of Bam Bam. After watching her with Bill last week, she may be the only one that can keep him in line.
#4. I've met Leanne's Boyfriend. He is quite shy and startles easily. No sudden movements, no raised voices and be very careful making eye contact.
#5. Brandon, Leanne, Katie and I learned a new trick from some creapy guy (not Toby). Buy us a drink and we'll show you how to do it.
See ya all at Piedmont tonight.
I know you've all been talking about it, so I just wanted to clear up a few items.
#1. We could not add Leif to the team mid-season. I have since stopped trying to kick Waylund off. If he would stop screwing around at work, he might actually be able to get off early and come hang out.
#2. Toby has been elevated to triple probation. No reason; guy just bugs me.
#3. I'm in discussions with Cherry Pie for her to 'take care' of Bam Bam. After watching her with Bill last week, she may be the only one that can keep him in line.
#4. I've met Leanne's Boyfriend. He is quite shy and startles easily. No sudden movements, no raised voices and be very careful making eye contact.
#5. Brandon, Leanne, Katie and I learned a new trick from some creapy guy (not Toby). Buy us a drink and we'll show you how to do it.
See ya all at Piedmont tonight.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
BAM BAM SURFACES IN TIAJUANA... UNSHAVEN, GEEKED UP ON TEQUILLA
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
Working with trusted contacts south of the border, Veto's reporters have confirmed that Bam Bam - or at least a man closely fitting Bam Bam's description - has surfacced in Tiajuana. Unshaven and raging mad after a week long tequilla bender, he is reportedly wandering the streets in a despondent haze. Witnesses claim the American gringo is red eyed and stinking terribly of BO. "We don't think he has changed clothes or brushed his teeth in several days, and the women are starting to complain," said the owner of one well known brothel. "Even by Mexican standards," said a local official, "he is a real mess."
No one knows for sure how The Bam got to this state. Some close to him speculate that he was greatly shaken by his last meeting with Veto at Binks. The two met for a friendly lunch time match, and Veto proceeded to run off five straight racks in record time. "Veto robbed him of his dignity like a thief in the night," said one friend and witness to the aweful slaughter. "The Bam never saw it coming, and his bearings haven't been the same since."
"Well, we believe he is alive," said Veto's lead reporter, "although only barely."
Said a spokesman for the APA, "We are working diligently with the Mexican authorities to have him extradited back to the States before Monday night's big show down at Piedmont Place. We have run into some resistence, however, as they are wanting a significant amount of bribe money to make this happen."
Confirmed Coach Urquhart, "This is true, we are currently in negotiations with the Mexican government over Bam Bam's worth. Sadly, they are demanding more money than we currently have on hand in our scratch jar."
When asked how much money they have on hand in their scratch jar, Urquhart dodged the question, saying only that "I was hung over and thirsty, and I needed coffee and breakfast. And two bloody mary's. And cigarettes. What can I say, get of my damn back about it already!"
Working with trusted contacts south of the border, Veto's reporters have confirmed that Bam Bam - or at least a man closely fitting Bam Bam's description - has surfacced in Tiajuana. Unshaven and raging mad after a week long tequilla bender, he is reportedly wandering the streets in a despondent haze. Witnesses claim the American gringo is red eyed and stinking terribly of BO. "We don't think he has changed clothes or brushed his teeth in several days, and the women are starting to complain," said the owner of one well known brothel. "Even by Mexican standards," said a local official, "he is a real mess."
No one knows for sure how The Bam got to this state. Some close to him speculate that he was greatly shaken by his last meeting with Veto at Binks. The two met for a friendly lunch time match, and Veto proceeded to run off five straight racks in record time. "Veto robbed him of his dignity like a thief in the night," said one friend and witness to the aweful slaughter. "The Bam never saw it coming, and his bearings haven't been the same since."
"Well, we believe he is alive," said Veto's lead reporter, "although only barely."
Said a spokesman for the APA, "We are working diligently with the Mexican authorities to have him extradited back to the States before Monday night's big show down at Piedmont Place. We have run into some resistence, however, as they are wanting a significant amount of bribe money to make this happen."
Confirmed Coach Urquhart, "This is true, we are currently in negotiations with the Mexican government over Bam Bam's worth. Sadly, they are demanding more money than we currently have on hand in our scratch jar."
When asked how much money they have on hand in their scratch jar, Urquhart dodged the question, saying only that "I was hung over and thirsty, and I needed coffee and breakfast. And two bloody mary's. And cigarettes. What can I say, get of my damn back about it already!"
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
Oh snap, Toby just got served!
Said teammate and practice partner Veto, "Its about time Urquhart wised up and put Toby on notice. Its been a long time coming for that guy."
In other news, it has now been 43 hours and STILL no sign of Bam Bam. Veto's reporters - exhausted and frustrated - are claiming that the trail has gone colder than Willie's game against Cherry Pie.
Said teammate and practice partner Veto, "Its about time Urquhart wised up and put Toby on notice. Its been a long time coming for that guy."
In other news, it has now been 43 hours and STILL no sign of Bam Bam. Veto's reporters - exhausted and frustrated - are claiming that the trail has gone colder than Willie's game against Cherry Pie.
Poor team play
I have a couple of players on warning....basically double secret probation.
TOBY----basic disregard for supporting team player. He's all sweet to the other team, but then when one of his own players struggles, he mocks! Bad Form.
Andy----Missing in Action. I've put Todd on his scent. That blood hound won't stop until he tracks that boy down!
Good job on Monday. Next Monday is at Peidmont Place.
TOBY----basic disregard for supporting team player. He's all sweet to the other team, but then when one of his own players struggles, he mocks! Bad Form.
Andy----Missing in Action. I've put Todd on his scent. That blood hound won't stop until he tracks that boy down!
Good job on Monday. Next Monday is at Peidmont Place.
AP WIRE: FURIOUS GEORGE BEATS SENIORS IN MARATHON
FURIOUS GEORGE WINS IN MARATHON AGAINST SENIORS FROM MOUSE TRAP... CHERRY PIE SWEEPS WILLIE, THEN TELLS HIM TO 'QUIT STINKIN AND START THINKIN'... CREEPY REPLACES VETO ATOP URQUHART'S LIST OF 'MOST HATED' PEOPLE
Portland, OR (AP) Furious George played the seniors from The Mouse Trap on Monday night, and were quickly drawn into their slow, clumsy, atrophic style of play. Creepy stepped up first, paired against Old Man Winter himself. He stuck to his callisthenic routine and played consistent pool, though at times he struggled to put the old timer with cataracts away. But in the end, Old Man Winter gave Creepy one too many ball-in-hand opportunities (all the while blaiming his air balls on the mysterious table rolls), and our hero managed to finish him, 4-3.
Next up was Black Jack Willie Ryder, who would not fare so lucky on this night. He faced the dreaded Cherry Pie, and fell straight into her trap. Like a spider to a fly, Willie stood no chance. He mistook her lovable-old-gradma jibber jabber for weakness, and quickly paid the price. The Pie stuck like lightning, throwing Willie's internal campus into a spin. She laughed and carried on talked subtle trash - and sank two quick eight balls in a row. Willie began to panic, as any sane minded man with a backbone would. 'Oh no', he thought, 'I can't get swept by Cherry Pie'. But it was already too late. She stood there grinning with those two big cherries hugging her massive, drooping boobs, working Willie over like a fluffer on a porn set.
Willie was confused, shocked, appalled; slightly dizzy even. The trap had been laid, her venom injected into his veins. He was stuck in The Pie's web and some sort of gooey, cherry flavored desert filling was smeared all over his face. He couldn't move, couldn't breath, his mind was flashing static like an empty tv screen. It was awful. Fans mumbled amongst themselves and quietly left the room. His teammates hid their eyes. Binkstenders gasped in horror. And then, like the snap of a finger, it was over. Cherry Pie 3, Willie 0. Our despondent comrade retreated to Taco Bell, searching for solace in a bean burrito and a Mexican pizza. It is doubtful, however, that he found it.
In fairness to Willie, let me now state for the record that he was not the first Binks player to face humiliation at the hands Cherry Pie, nor will he be the last. 'I still have nightmares about my first match with Cherry Pie,' admitted Veto afterwards. 'Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, crying like a child.' Furious George 1, Seniors 1.
Leeann stepped to the table for match three. It did not start good, and she quickly fell behind 2-0. Her teammates did not have the heart tell her that her opponent only had one eye. Rumor has it that the ancient World War One vet lost it to a German bayonet. 'It took him several years to learn to play again after losing that eye,' Cherry Pie explained, 'due to the problems with his depth perception and all.' A loss by Mixa would assure humiliation for many sessions to come. But the newcomer battled back from her slow start, pushing the match to the hill and sinking a brilliant cut shot for the win! The fans and the bench exploded simultaneously, with roars and cheers spilling onto the street and drowning out the jukebox.
When asked about her beautiful cut shot - one that was surprisingly similar to the one that she used at The Mouse Trap last week - Mixa explained her thought process to a roomful of reporters. 'I was just setting myself up for the full table cut on the eight ball,' she said. 'Yup, that's the one I wanted in the end. I do like that full table cut shot.'
'Her signature shot', gasped a journalist from Billiards Digest. 'The Cut Shot.' Perhaps, she thought, a new nickname has been born.
Furious George 2, The Seniors 1.
Up fourth, and with a chance to seal the victory for The Georges, Urquhart strode to the table. His stroke was silky smooth like the flesh on a young man's bones. He fought valiantly as game one got under way. But The Finger proceded to mangle ball-in-hand opportunity after ball-in-hand opportunity, blowing the first two games and essentially handing Serial Killer Dave the victory.
Our fearless leader lurked back to his bar stool at the end of the bench. He fumed and searched for a target to release his fury upon. Veto cowered like a dog who has been kicked too much, expected to take the brunt of it. But surprisingly, Urquhart took aim at someone other than Veto. Tonight, it would be Creepy. 'I'll tell you what', Urquhart exclaimed, 'I've had it up to here with that guy! The nerve of him, screwing up that timeout earlier tonight. And who does he think he is, coming here every week, acting all polite and quiet and respectful towards those around him. I've had enough of his act, and it ends NOW!' he declared, slamming down a closed fist against the bar. 'Creepy has officially replaced Veto on my list of most hated people!'
By this time Willie had come back from Taco Bell and Cherry Pie had him cornered. With a stiff drink in hand, she chastised him for his play, bluntly telling him to 'quit stinkin and start thinkin!' She lectured him on all the nuances of the game, pointing out his flaws and mocking his techniques as she rambled on and on into the night. Willie took his medicine, as they say, and handled the beating with grace. Though down tonight, he knew he would be back for his chance at redemption; someday, somehow... and only if Cherry Pie doesn't die first.
'Surely this loss will sting for Willie,' Urquhart would say afterwards, 'as it should. The Pie worked him over good tonight, REAL good. But he'll think about this and grow from it. Yes, it'll burn a hole in his memory for years to come and it will haunt him in his dreams. But I'll tell you what,' he snapped, pointing a finger at the crowd of reporters, 'I sure as hell wouldn't bet against Willie next week. He'll be out for vegence after this one, I goddam guaranty it!'
Furious George and The Seniors were tied at two as Veto stepped to the table for the final match of the night. After giving away game one with a scratch on the eight ball, Veto played steady for the rest of the way. He applied pressure and beat his opponent to Old Blackie in every game. He would not miss another eight ball attempt. He won 4-1, closing out a 3-2 team victory for Furious George.
'It was a long, tough win tonight,' reminisced Coach Urquhart at his Tuesday morning press conference. 'If it felt like this match lasted for four and a half hours, that's because it did. But we pulled through with a victory in the end, thanks to Creepy, Mixa, and especially Veto - who picked up the shattered pieces of my loss and closed it out for us at the eleventh hour.'
In a related story, Furious George player Bam Bam has officially been missing for 36 hours. Texts and phone calls have gone unanswered, and there was no sight nor sound of him on Monday night. 'If you see The Bam,' warned Police Chief Wiggins, 'proceed with extreme caution. We have reason to believe that he is armed and dangerous. He carries a secret weapon that the street kids like to call... the sneaky pete. And he is not afraid to use it.'
Portland, OR (AP) Furious George played the seniors from The Mouse Trap on Monday night, and were quickly drawn into their slow, clumsy, atrophic style of play. Creepy stepped up first, paired against Old Man Winter himself. He stuck to his callisthenic routine and played consistent pool, though at times he struggled to put the old timer with cataracts away. But in the end, Old Man Winter gave Creepy one too many ball-in-hand opportunities (all the while blaiming his air balls on the mysterious table rolls), and our hero managed to finish him, 4-3.
Next up was Black Jack Willie Ryder, who would not fare so lucky on this night. He faced the dreaded Cherry Pie, and fell straight into her trap. Like a spider to a fly, Willie stood no chance. He mistook her lovable-old-gradma jibber jabber for weakness, and quickly paid the price. The Pie stuck like lightning, throwing Willie's internal campus into a spin. She laughed and carried on talked subtle trash - and sank two quick eight balls in a row. Willie began to panic, as any sane minded man with a backbone would. 'Oh no', he thought, 'I can't get swept by Cherry Pie'. But it was already too late. She stood there grinning with those two big cherries hugging her massive, drooping boobs, working Willie over like a fluffer on a porn set.
Willie was confused, shocked, appalled; slightly dizzy even. The trap had been laid, her venom injected into his veins. He was stuck in The Pie's web and some sort of gooey, cherry flavored desert filling was smeared all over his face. He couldn't move, couldn't breath, his mind was flashing static like an empty tv screen. It was awful. Fans mumbled amongst themselves and quietly left the room. His teammates hid their eyes. Binkstenders gasped in horror. And then, like the snap of a finger, it was over. Cherry Pie 3, Willie 0. Our despondent comrade retreated to Taco Bell, searching for solace in a bean burrito and a Mexican pizza. It is doubtful, however, that he found it.
In fairness to Willie, let me now state for the record that he was not the first Binks player to face humiliation at the hands Cherry Pie, nor will he be the last. 'I still have nightmares about my first match with Cherry Pie,' admitted Veto afterwards. 'Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, crying like a child.' Furious George 1, Seniors 1.
Leeann stepped to the table for match three. It did not start good, and she quickly fell behind 2-0. Her teammates did not have the heart tell her that her opponent only had one eye. Rumor has it that the ancient World War One vet lost it to a German bayonet. 'It took him several years to learn to play again after losing that eye,' Cherry Pie explained, 'due to the problems with his depth perception and all.' A loss by Mixa would assure humiliation for many sessions to come. But the newcomer battled back from her slow start, pushing the match to the hill and sinking a brilliant cut shot for the win! The fans and the bench exploded simultaneously, with roars and cheers spilling onto the street and drowning out the jukebox.
When asked about her beautiful cut shot - one that was surprisingly similar to the one that she used at The Mouse Trap last week - Mixa explained her thought process to a roomful of reporters. 'I was just setting myself up for the full table cut on the eight ball,' she said. 'Yup, that's the one I wanted in the end. I do like that full table cut shot.'
'Her signature shot', gasped a journalist from Billiards Digest. 'The Cut Shot.' Perhaps, she thought, a new nickname has been born.
Furious George 2, The Seniors 1.
Up fourth, and with a chance to seal the victory for The Georges, Urquhart strode to the table. His stroke was silky smooth like the flesh on a young man's bones. He fought valiantly as game one got under way. But The Finger proceded to mangle ball-in-hand opportunity after ball-in-hand opportunity, blowing the first two games and essentially handing Serial Killer Dave the victory.
Our fearless leader lurked back to his bar stool at the end of the bench. He fumed and searched for a target to release his fury upon. Veto cowered like a dog who has been kicked too much, expected to take the brunt of it. But surprisingly, Urquhart took aim at someone other than Veto. Tonight, it would be Creepy. 'I'll tell you what', Urquhart exclaimed, 'I've had it up to here with that guy! The nerve of him, screwing up that timeout earlier tonight. And who does he think he is, coming here every week, acting all polite and quiet and respectful towards those around him. I've had enough of his act, and it ends NOW!' he declared, slamming down a closed fist against the bar. 'Creepy has officially replaced Veto on my list of most hated people!'
By this time Willie had come back from Taco Bell and Cherry Pie had him cornered. With a stiff drink in hand, she chastised him for his play, bluntly telling him to 'quit stinkin and start thinkin!' She lectured him on all the nuances of the game, pointing out his flaws and mocking his techniques as she rambled on and on into the night. Willie took his medicine, as they say, and handled the beating with grace. Though down tonight, he knew he would be back for his chance at redemption; someday, somehow... and only if Cherry Pie doesn't die first.
'Surely this loss will sting for Willie,' Urquhart would say afterwards, 'as it should. The Pie worked him over good tonight, REAL good. But he'll think about this and grow from it. Yes, it'll burn a hole in his memory for years to come and it will haunt him in his dreams. But I'll tell you what,' he snapped, pointing a finger at the crowd of reporters, 'I sure as hell wouldn't bet against Willie next week. He'll be out for vegence after this one, I goddam guaranty it!'
Furious George and The Seniors were tied at two as Veto stepped to the table for the final match of the night. After giving away game one with a scratch on the eight ball, Veto played steady for the rest of the way. He applied pressure and beat his opponent to Old Blackie in every game. He would not miss another eight ball attempt. He won 4-1, closing out a 3-2 team victory for Furious George.
'It was a long, tough win tonight,' reminisced Coach Urquhart at his Tuesday morning press conference. 'If it felt like this match lasted for four and a half hours, that's because it did. But we pulled through with a victory in the end, thanks to Creepy, Mixa, and especially Veto - who picked up the shattered pieces of my loss and closed it out for us at the eleventh hour.'
In a related story, Furious George player Bam Bam has officially been missing for 36 hours. Texts and phone calls have gone unanswered, and there was no sight nor sound of him on Monday night. 'If you see The Bam,' warned Police Chief Wiggins, 'proceed with extreme caution. We have reason to believe that he is armed and dangerous. He carries a secret weapon that the street kids like to call... the sneaky pete. And he is not afraid to use it.'
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
FURIOUS GEORGE CHARGES THROUGH FIRST ROUND OF PLAYOFFS
FURIOUS GEORGE CHARGES THROUGH FIRST ROUND OF PLAYOFFS WITH MASTERFUL PLAY.... CREEPY, URQUHART AND WILLIE LEAD THE CHARGE... TRI CUP BIRTH WITHIN REACH!
Portland, OR (AP)
Furious George vs. The Post. The match up is a rivalry enough on any given Monday. Add playoff intensity and the win-or-go-home stakes, and it suddenly becomes one of the greatest rivalries in all sports. The Cowboys and the Redskins? Not even close. Celtics and the Lakers? While tasty, still a far cry. Yankees and the Red Sox? Fuh-get about it! Monday night at Binks saw the most exciting sporting event since the Thrilla In Manilla, hands down! Said ESPN radio talk show host Dan Patrick, 'It made the Giants 4th quarter, come from behind Super Bowl victory against the undefeated Patriots look like a girl scout cookie sale. Holy jumpin' Jesus, my adrenal ine is still pumping, my mouth is still dry, and my pits are still sweaty!'
Let us cut right to the details. First up was a clearly under-ranked Creepy White. He quickly and swiftly swept another four, making it look easy as only Creepywhite can do. With his dreams of playoff glory crushed, his helpless opponent sank back into his plastic patio chair. He looked dejected and humiliated as his teammates offered half hearted hugs and empty words of encouragement. Said a spokesman for the APA, 'After Creepywhite's match last night, we have received several complaints about possible sandbagging. Let me be clear: while we agree that his ranking is grossly inaccurate, we currently do not have enough proof to convict the team of sandbagging. But the investigation is ongoing and, as always, any opportunity to nail Urquhart for league infractions will be thoroughly pursued. Rest assured, no stone will be left unturned in this inquiry.'
Next up was Veto. Coming into the night riding a six match winning streak, Veto may have been a little too loose, perhaps even a bit overconfident. He figured he would just pocket a bunch of balls and find a way to win for his team, as he had been able to do in the previous weeks. Unfortunately, Robert had other plans. Playing the dreaded cluster break strategy time and time again - where one breaks very softly, leaving a massive cluster where the rack once sat - Robert's strategy to draw out the games and force Veto into a defensive drudge match paid off nicely for him. The matches were close and several games saw Veto jump out to big early leads, but in the end he simply gave Robert one too many opportunities to take him down. The cluster break strategy, which originated on the south side of Chicago during the Great Depression, is rarely seen in these parts of countr y and clearly was a problem for Veto all night long. 'I gotta tip my hat to the old timer,' said a humble Veto afterwards. 'Robert had my number tonight. It was a close match and I had my opportunities, but in the end it was just not meant to be. I'm grateful to the boys for picking me up.'
Next up was Urquhart. Sitting on a 1-1 tie and knowing that the Post's dreaded seven awaited on deck, the stakes in his match could not have been higher. Needing to win three before Miles won two, Urquhart jumped out to an early 2-1 lead. Then came heartbreak. After Veto coached him through a brilliant defensive play that led to ball in hand ('It was the only good timeout he's ever called, EVER' admitted Urquhart afterwards), our hero orchestrated a beautiful 5 ball run. His position play was perfect on ever ball except for the eight, where he left himself a long, gut-testing bank. But Urquhart was not t o be denied. With the poise of a champion and the eye of an eagle, he lined up the bank and executed it perfectly! The eight ball dove into the corner pocket and the home crowd erupted in deafening applause!
Sadly, the celebration was short lived. As if the terrible ending was stolen from a Greek tragedy, the boys watched in horror as the cue ball slowly slid into the opposite corner pocket for a scratch. 'It was fantastic run out indeed,' commented Veto afterwards. 'Unfortunately the slickness of the new felt just jumped up and bit us on that one.' This led to a hill-hill showdown. Urquhart quickly put the heartbreak of the previous game out of his mind and brought his focus back to the present moment, as all great athletes do. 'I thought that scratch may have shattered his resolve,' admitted Miles afterwards, 'but sadly I was wrong. Urquhart showed the heart of a champion in that final game.' He then paused, wiping back a tear and choking back a throat full of sour defeat. 'It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't taunted me with his Cubs hat like that,' continued the die hard Cardinals fan. 'Damnit... I need a stiff drink.'
Once again the crowd erupted in applause and his teammates circled around their fearless leader in praise and adoration. Rarely had their historic bar seen such a dramatic and historic moment. Time stood still. A crowd of people had gathered on the streets, and the buzz of excitement was palpable. They, too, exploded when Urquhart put the final eight ball down. 'You could have cut the tension with a knife,' said one clearly drunken fan, 'but when Urquhart sank that final eight ball, it was like pandamonium out here!'
Next up was Willie. Showing up out of the blue with rolled up jeans a nd a black fanny pack, the boys did not know what to make of their long lost teammate. But Willie proved to have more than just cigarettes and car keys in that fanny pack. He had some big-time game packed away in there as well. Paired against a seemingly unbeatable seven, Willie charged out of the gates strong, sending a clear message that he would not roll over without a fight.
The tension grew amongst the crowd. Somewhere, in the distance, a beer bottle shattered on the ground. Willie, however, barely heard a sound. He focused on the job at hand and never allowed himself to be shaken. Taking his opponent to a hill-hill match, he entered what athletes call 'the zone', going on a masterful runout and leaving his opponent with five balls left on the table. Once again the capacity crowd erupted! Willie had shocked the sporting world, putting a masterful finishing touch on the team's first round playoff win. David had essentially sleighed Goliath and victory was assured for Furious George.
With their great comeback session still in tact and the Banks mojo clearly on their side, they anxiously await the final round of the playoffs next week. 'Tri Cup or bust,' said Bam Bam once again, 'Tri Cup or bust.'
Late into the night sweat continued to drip from the hallowed walls of the Banks pool room. The bartenders smiled as they swept up the broken glass and spit from the floors. 'There was a bit of magic in here tonight,' said a smiling, blissfully happy Sydney afterwards. 'I almost don't want to go home.'
Fortunately for the fans, bartenders, and players alike, Binks will see another round of playoff action next week. 'What could be sweeter,' commented Captain Urquhart during his Tuesday morning press conference , 'than the opportunity to come back here and do it again next week.'
Portland, OR (AP)
Furious George vs. The Post. The match up is a rivalry enough on any given Monday. Add playoff intensity and the win-or-go-home stakes, and it suddenly becomes one of the greatest rivalries in all sports. The Cowboys and the Redskins? Not even close. Celtics and the Lakers? While tasty, still a far cry. Yankees and the Red Sox? Fuh-get about it! Monday night at Binks saw the most exciting sporting event since the Thrilla In Manilla, hands down! Said ESPN radio talk show host Dan Patrick, 'It made the Giants 4th quarter, come from behind Super Bowl victory against the undefeated Patriots look like a girl scout cookie sale. Holy jumpin' Jesus, my adrenal ine is still pumping, my mouth is still dry, and my pits are still sweaty!'
Let us cut right to the details. First up was a clearly under-ranked Creepy White. He quickly and swiftly swept another four, making it look easy as only Creepywhite can do. With his dreams of playoff glory crushed, his helpless opponent sank back into his plastic patio chair. He looked dejected and humiliated as his teammates offered half hearted hugs and empty words of encouragement. Said a spokesman for the APA, 'After Creepywhite's match last night, we have received several complaints about possible sandbagging. Let me be clear: while we agree that his ranking is grossly inaccurate, we currently do not have enough proof to convict the team of sandbagging. But the investigation is ongoing and, as always, any opportunity to nail Urquhart for league infractions will be thoroughly pursued. Rest assured, no stone will be left unturned in this inquiry.'
Next up was Veto. Coming into the night riding a six match winning streak, Veto may have been a little too loose, perhaps even a bit overconfident. He figured he would just pocket a bunch of balls and find a way to win for his team, as he had been able to do in the previous weeks. Unfortunately, Robert had other plans. Playing the dreaded cluster break strategy time and time again - where one breaks very softly, leaving a massive cluster where the rack once sat - Robert's strategy to draw out the games and force Veto into a defensive drudge match paid off nicely for him. The matches were close and several games saw Veto jump out to big early leads, but in the end he simply gave Robert one too many opportunities to take him down. The cluster break strategy, which originated on the south side of Chicago during the Great Depression, is rarely seen in these parts of countr y and clearly was a problem for Veto all night long. 'I gotta tip my hat to the old timer,' said a humble Veto afterwards. 'Robert had my number tonight. It was a close match and I had my opportunities, but in the end it was just not meant to be. I'm grateful to the boys for picking me up.'
Next up was Urquhart. Sitting on a 1-1 tie and knowing that the Post's dreaded seven awaited on deck, the stakes in his match could not have been higher. Needing to win three before Miles won two, Urquhart jumped out to an early 2-1 lead. Then came heartbreak. After Veto coached him through a brilliant defensive play that led to ball in hand ('It was the only good timeout he's ever called, EVER' admitted Urquhart afterwards), our hero orchestrated a beautiful 5 ball run. His position play was perfect on ever ball except for the eight, where he left himself a long, gut-testing bank. But Urquhart was not t o be denied. With the poise of a champion and the eye of an eagle, he lined up the bank and executed it perfectly! The eight ball dove into the corner pocket and the home crowd erupted in deafening applause!
Sadly, the celebration was short lived. As if the terrible ending was stolen from a Greek tragedy, the boys watched in horror as the cue ball slowly slid into the opposite corner pocket for a scratch. 'It was fantastic run out indeed,' commented Veto afterwards. 'Unfortunately the slickness of the new felt just jumped up and bit us on that one.' This led to a hill-hill showdown. Urquhart quickly put the heartbreak of the previous game out of his mind and brought his focus back to the present moment, as all great athletes do. 'I thought that scratch may have shattered his resolve,' admitted Miles afterwards, 'but sadly I was wrong. Urquhart showed the heart of a champion in that final game.' He then paused, wiping back a tear and choking back a throat full of sour defeat. 'It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't taunted me with his Cubs hat like that,' continued the die hard Cardinals fan. 'Damnit... I need a stiff drink.'
Once again the crowd erupted in applause and his teammates circled around their fearless leader in praise and adoration. Rarely had their historic bar seen such a dramatic and historic moment. Time stood still. A crowd of people had gathered on the streets, and the buzz of excitement was palpable. They, too, exploded when Urquhart put the final eight ball down. 'You could have cut the tension with a knife,' said one clearly drunken fan, 'but when Urquhart sank that final eight ball, it was like pandamonium out here!'
Next up was Willie. Showing up out of the blue with rolled up jeans a nd a black fanny pack, the boys did not know what to make of their long lost teammate. But Willie proved to have more than just cigarettes and car keys in that fanny pack. He had some big-time game packed away in there as well. Paired against a seemingly unbeatable seven, Willie charged out of the gates strong, sending a clear message that he would not roll over without a fight.
The tension grew amongst the crowd. Somewhere, in the distance, a beer bottle shattered on the ground. Willie, however, barely heard a sound. He focused on the job at hand and never allowed himself to be shaken. Taking his opponent to a hill-hill match, he entered what athletes call 'the zone', going on a masterful runout and leaving his opponent with five balls left on the table. Once again the capacity crowd erupted! Willie had shocked the sporting world, putting a masterful finishing touch on the team's first round playoff win. David had essentially sleighed Goliath and victory was assured for Furious George.
With their great comeback session still in tact and the Banks mojo clearly on their side, they anxiously await the final round of the playoffs next week. 'Tri Cup or bust,' said Bam Bam once again, 'Tri Cup or bust.'
Late into the night sweat continued to drip from the hallowed walls of the Banks pool room. The bartenders smiled as they swept up the broken glass and spit from the floors. 'There was a bit of magic in here tonight,' said a smiling, blissfully happy Sydney afterwards. 'I almost don't want to go home.'
Fortunately for the fans, bartenders, and players alike, Binks will see another round of playoff action next week. 'What could be sweeter,' commented Captain Urquhart during his Tuesday morning press conference , 'than the opportunity to come back here and do it again next week.'
CREEPY BEATS VETO, HOLDS ONTO FIRST
THE CHAMP HOLDS ONTO FIRST PLACE WITH VICTORY OVER VETO... VETO VOWS TO CHALLENGE HIM AGAIN… SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW, PREFERABLY WHEN THE CHAMP IS TIRED AND HUNG OVER, POSSIBLE WHEN HE IS ILL WITH THE FLU... CHEWY MAINTAINS CULT HERO STATUS, SURPASSES JOHNNY ROTTEN ON VH1'S TOP 100 LIST
Portland, OR (AP) The Champ held serve on Wednesday night, beating Veto and holding onto his first place team ranking. In a best of five series (yes, the change was cleared with Commissioner Urquhart beforehand, who ruled that players could change the race as long as they both agreed), The Champ stormed out of the gates strong, marching around the table like some kind of high tech pool robot and winning the first two games. Veto battled back in game three, running his balls quickly and five balling his stunned opponent. Then, in the fourth game, Veto slipped and gave The Champ ball in hand with two balls left on the table - both hanging in the corner pockets. The Champ took advantage of Veto's mistake, running out the table and winning the match as the thrilled crowd erupted in applause.
Said Veto afterwards: "I have to tip my hat to The Champ. He shot well, applied lots of pressure, and took advantage of my mistakes - as all great champions do. He looked dashingly handsome as well, resembling a cross between Britt Hume and Tom Cruise circa his Risky Business days. What can I say, its tough to beat a man with that combination."
The Champ, responding to Veto's praise, said the following: "This is true, I did look good tonight." When asked if he would challenge The Champ again, Veto said, "Oh yes, I will challenge him again. When the time is right - preferably when he is sick, hung over, or consumed with some sort of deep personal anguish - I will challenge again. Yes indeed, sure as the sun rises and sets, I will challenge him again."
In other news, Chewy Webb maintained his cult hero status on Monday night by picking up his sixth straight win and saving the team from a humiliating sweep at The Kenton Club. Like a true magician, Chewy yielded his stick like a wand, easily sweeping his stunned opponent. Fans on Alberta street huddled around transistor radios, cheering every shot. When the final eight ball dropped, they erupted in pandemonium. Grown met hugged strangers in the street as bottles of champagne popped and sprayed into the air. Cars honked and traffic ground to a hault. "People were going crazy in the streets," confirmed a man in a white Nissan Altima. "It was like Mardi Gras out here!" Women ripped off their shirts and ran around hysterically, their breast bouncing gracefully in the fall night. "Chewy just makes me soooo HOT!" exclaimed one female fan, summing up the sentiment of the masses.
When asked about the rumor that Chewy has cracked VH1's 'Top 100 Cult Heroes Of All Time', an insider from the station confirmed, "Its true, this Chewy Webb guy is moving up the list like a bullet! He just passed Johnny Rotten, and is poised to move by Kurt Cobain within the next few weeks."
Said Police Chief Wiggins of the Portland PD, "We have, uhhh, tried our best to control the riots and maintain the peace on Monday nights in Northeast Portland. However, this outlaw Chewy Webb is making our job very difficult. If this continues, we will be forced to release the dogs on the men and the stun gun on thes bare chested maniacal women. Sadly, we are left with no other option at this point. So please ladies, we beg of you, put your breasts away and return to your homes in an orderly fashion."
Portland, OR (AP) The Champ held serve on Wednesday night, beating Veto and holding onto his first place team ranking. In a best of five series (yes, the change was cleared with Commissioner Urquhart beforehand, who ruled that players could change the race as long as they both agreed), The Champ stormed out of the gates strong, marching around the table like some kind of high tech pool robot and winning the first two games. Veto battled back in game three, running his balls quickly and five balling his stunned opponent. Then, in the fourth game, Veto slipped and gave The Champ ball in hand with two balls left on the table - both hanging in the corner pockets. The Champ took advantage of Veto's mistake, running out the table and winning the match as the thrilled crowd erupted in applause.
Said Veto afterwards: "I have to tip my hat to The Champ. He shot well, applied lots of pressure, and took advantage of my mistakes - as all great champions do. He looked dashingly handsome as well, resembling a cross between Britt Hume and Tom Cruise circa his Risky Business days. What can I say, its tough to beat a man with that combination."
The Champ, responding to Veto's praise, said the following: "This is true, I did look good tonight." When asked if he would challenge The Champ again, Veto said, "Oh yes, I will challenge him again. When the time is right - preferably when he is sick, hung over, or consumed with some sort of deep personal anguish - I will challenge again. Yes indeed, sure as the sun rises and sets, I will challenge him again."
In other news, Chewy Webb maintained his cult hero status on Monday night by picking up his sixth straight win and saving the team from a humiliating sweep at The Kenton Club. Like a true magician, Chewy yielded his stick like a wand, easily sweeping his stunned opponent. Fans on Alberta street huddled around transistor radios, cheering every shot. When the final eight ball dropped, they erupted in pandemonium. Grown met hugged strangers in the street as bottles of champagne popped and sprayed into the air. Cars honked and traffic ground to a hault. "People were going crazy in the streets," confirmed a man in a white Nissan Altima. "It was like Mardi Gras out here!" Women ripped off their shirts and ran around hysterically, their breast bouncing gracefully in the fall night. "Chewy just makes me soooo HOT!" exclaimed one female fan, summing up the sentiment of the masses.
When asked about the rumor that Chewy has cracked VH1's 'Top 100 Cult Heroes Of All Time', an insider from the station confirmed, "Its true, this Chewy Webb guy is moving up the list like a bullet! He just passed Johnny Rotten, and is poised to move by Kurt Cobain within the next few weeks."
Said Police Chief Wiggins of the Portland PD, "We have, uhhh, tried our best to control the riots and maintain the peace on Monday nights in Northeast Portland. However, this outlaw Chewy Webb is making our job very difficult. If this continues, we will be forced to release the dogs on the men and the stun gun on thes bare chested maniacal women. Sadly, we are left with no other option at this point. So please ladies, we beg of you, put your breasts away and return to your homes in an orderly fashion."
AP WIRE REPORT: URQUHART'S FURY RETURNS
FURIOUS GEORGE STUMBLES... CHEWY'S STREAK COMES TO AN END... URQUHART'S FURY RETURNS
Portland, OR (AP)
Monday night was a potentially historic night for Furious George and their fans. Chewy entered the night on a six game winning streak, one away from a new team record. Those who came early said the pre-game tension was almost unbearable. By 6:45, many fans were weeping openly, for no apparent reason. Others wrung their hands and gnawed on the rims of dirty pint glasses, trying hard to stay calm. Many fist fights were reported in the urinals. Nervous Binkstenders roamed throughout the establishment, confiscating small arms and grappling with drunkards. Gangs of crazed tennagers prowled the sidewalk outside, beating the mortal crap out of luckless stragglers as they anxiously awaited the arrival of their underground cult hero, Chewy Webb.
Inside the pool room, Urquhart chain smoked Marlboro Lights and drank heavily. 'Get me another goddam whiskey!' he shouted to his lap dog Creepywhite, 'and get that sonovabitch Bam Bam on the phone! NOW!!' Urqhuart fully understood the gravity of the night's match. After starting off the session with 1-4 loss, he had suddenly become, well, how shall we say... testy.
And to make matters worse, he was short one player. He stood up and kicked his stool out from underneath himself, cursing his luck for being snakebit with such an incompetent group of misfits. He had little patience for the no-shows - not tonight. He vowed to grab Veto by his gaping nostrils and tear him a new asshole when he saw him again. Bam Bam, he ranted, would be lucky to ever get served another drink in this Godforsaken town. The players and fans could almost taste his anger, and the stench of his foul B.O. hung in the air like a thick skunk fart. The smell was stronger than a ton of rotten mangos. His nuckles turned white. His eyes grew wild. His nerves oozed and burned like open soars on a dog's neck... Strange fluids welled up inside of his teammates throats, and the taste was sharper than bile. The stage was set. The first act was about to begin.
Willie went first and failed to ease Urquhart's tension. He lost and quickly heard a howl of profanity coming from his coach. He felt a warm rush of breath against his neck as Urquhart screamed in his ear like a deranged lunatic. It was all incoherent gibberish, and Willie closed his eyes, praying helplessly for it all to end.
Next up was Chewy. For a moment anyway, the team soaked up the roar of the crowd and felt a wave of hope run over them. The underground cult hero energized the room like no other player possibly could. Unfortunately, not even he could hold onto the mojo long enough to secure a victory. His winning streak came crashing to an end. Fans were stunned, and stared blankly into the black night like shell shocked soldiers who had just emerged from a month long battle. Some wandered into the streets, seemingly unaware of the honking horns and oncoming traffic.
Thankfully, Urquhart and Creepy managed to keep their composure at the table and were able to come away with wins. Somehow, Furious George found themselves tied up 2-2. Indeed, there was still a glimmer of hope. But without a 5th available player, Urquhart was at the mercy of a recall. This sent him into a boiling rage once again. Sensing the devastation in the crowd and the shock in their beloved cult hero, his opponent chose Chewy. But the emotion of his recent loss was too much for our hero to overcome. He was distracted, and still busy consoling his hoards of grief stricken fans. Many had begun to drink heavily and were openly contemplating suicide. Chewy faught valiantly - as is his trademark - but failed to come through with a win in his second match of the night.
Urquhart's legendary temper reared its ugly head once again. He grew savage, and felt some kind of subliminal, un-focused need to take out his vengence on the press. He snarled and fumed, taking aim at the absent Veto and the missing Bam Bam. One could hardly blame him for being so mad. Fuirous George had let their fearless leader down once again, stumbling out of the gates to a dismal 0-2 start.
'If we don't get our act together in a hurry,' commented an astute Creepywhite, 'its going to be a long session for everyone.'
Portland, OR (AP)
Monday night was a potentially historic night for Furious George and their fans. Chewy entered the night on a six game winning streak, one away from a new team record. Those who came early said the pre-game tension was almost unbearable. By 6:45, many fans were weeping openly, for no apparent reason. Others wrung their hands and gnawed on the rims of dirty pint glasses, trying hard to stay calm. Many fist fights were reported in the urinals. Nervous Binkstenders roamed throughout the establishment, confiscating small arms and grappling with drunkards. Gangs of crazed tennagers prowled the sidewalk outside, beating the mortal crap out of luckless stragglers as they anxiously awaited the arrival of their underground cult hero, Chewy Webb.
Inside the pool room, Urquhart chain smoked Marlboro Lights and drank heavily. 'Get me another goddam whiskey!' he shouted to his lap dog Creepywhite, 'and get that sonovabitch Bam Bam on the phone! NOW!!' Urqhuart fully understood the gravity of the night's match. After starting off the session with 1-4 loss, he had suddenly become, well, how shall we say... testy.
And to make matters worse, he was short one player. He stood up and kicked his stool out from underneath himself, cursing his luck for being snakebit with such an incompetent group of misfits. He had little patience for the no-shows - not tonight. He vowed to grab Veto by his gaping nostrils and tear him a new asshole when he saw him again. Bam Bam, he ranted, would be lucky to ever get served another drink in this Godforsaken town. The players and fans could almost taste his anger, and the stench of his foul B.O. hung in the air like a thick skunk fart. The smell was stronger than a ton of rotten mangos. His nuckles turned white. His eyes grew wild. His nerves oozed and burned like open soars on a dog's neck... Strange fluids welled up inside of his teammates throats, and the taste was sharper than bile. The stage was set. The first act was about to begin.
Willie went first and failed to ease Urquhart's tension. He lost and quickly heard a howl of profanity coming from his coach. He felt a warm rush of breath against his neck as Urquhart screamed in his ear like a deranged lunatic. It was all incoherent gibberish, and Willie closed his eyes, praying helplessly for it all to end.
Next up was Chewy. For a moment anyway, the team soaked up the roar of the crowd and felt a wave of hope run over them. The underground cult hero energized the room like no other player possibly could. Unfortunately, not even he could hold onto the mojo long enough to secure a victory. His winning streak came crashing to an end. Fans were stunned, and stared blankly into the black night like shell shocked soldiers who had just emerged from a month long battle. Some wandered into the streets, seemingly unaware of the honking horns and oncoming traffic.
Thankfully, Urquhart and Creepy managed to keep their composure at the table and were able to come away with wins. Somehow, Furious George found themselves tied up 2-2. Indeed, there was still a glimmer of hope. But without a 5th available player, Urquhart was at the mercy of a recall. This sent him into a boiling rage once again. Sensing the devastation in the crowd and the shock in their beloved cult hero, his opponent chose Chewy. But the emotion of his recent loss was too much for our hero to overcome. He was distracted, and still busy consoling his hoards of grief stricken fans. Many had begun to drink heavily and were openly contemplating suicide. Chewy faught valiantly - as is his trademark - but failed to come through with a win in his second match of the night.
Urquhart's legendary temper reared its ugly head once again. He grew savage, and felt some kind of subliminal, un-focused need to take out his vengence on the press. He snarled and fumed, taking aim at the absent Veto and the missing Bam Bam. One could hardly blame him for being so mad. Fuirous George had let their fearless leader down once again, stumbling out of the gates to a dismal 0-2 start.
'If we don't get our act together in a hurry,' commented an astute Creepywhite, 'its going to be a long session for everyone.'
BOBBY BOWDEN GIVES PROPS TO THE FINGER
BOBBY BOWDEN TELLS REPORTERS, "WE WON THIS ONE FOR THE FINGER!"
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
In a highly emotional press conference following Florida State's big win over number two ranked Boston College, legendary coach Bobby Bowden told reports, "We won this one for The Finger out in Oregon, dad gummit! I knew that a win over Boston College would mean a lot for his Ducks, so I told the boys before the game, I said 'Boys, we're gonna go out there and we're gonna run at 'em, we're gonna pass at 'em, we're gonna block 'em and stop 'em, we might even give 'em a little of the old razzle dazzle. And boys, sure as the day is long, we're gonna win this here ball game for The Finger!' They all love The Finger, I tell you what, and they seemed to really respond to that speech."
Coach Bowden then wiped a tear from his eye, hugged his beloved wife Anne, and said, "Some people have said that I'm a pretty good ball coach but I'll tell ya something, that Finger is one heck of a dad gum billiards coach. Not a lot of people know this, but we both graduated from college in the same year, and we've known each other for a heck of a long time. He's taught me a lot over the years. For example, I was always a little timid to call those time outs until he pulled me aside one day and said, "Bobby, come on now, ya just got to jump up outta your chair and scream 'TIME OUT!' as loud as you can." He taught me how to be assertive and I can tell ya this, I never would have won none of them national championships without him. Thanks Finger, and good luck to your Ducks. This win was for you pardner!"
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
In a highly emotional press conference following Florida State's big win over number two ranked Boston College, legendary coach Bobby Bowden told reports, "We won this one for The Finger out in Oregon, dad gummit! I knew that a win over Boston College would mean a lot for his Ducks, so I told the boys before the game, I said 'Boys, we're gonna go out there and we're gonna run at 'em, we're gonna pass at 'em, we're gonna block 'em and stop 'em, we might even give 'em a little of the old razzle dazzle. And boys, sure as the day is long, we're gonna win this here ball game for The Finger!' They all love The Finger, I tell you what, and they seemed to really respond to that speech."
Coach Bowden then wiped a tear from his eye, hugged his beloved wife Anne, and said, "Some people have said that I'm a pretty good ball coach but I'll tell ya something, that Finger is one heck of a dad gum billiards coach. Not a lot of people know this, but we both graduated from college in the same year, and we've known each other for a heck of a long time. He's taught me a lot over the years. For example, I was always a little timid to call those time outs until he pulled me aside one day and said, "Bobby, come on now, ya just got to jump up outta your chair and scream 'TIME OUT!' as loud as you can." He taught me how to be assertive and I can tell ya this, I never would have won none of them national championships without him. Thanks Finger, and good luck to your Ducks. This win was for you pardner!"
FURIOUS GEORGE CONTINUES TORRID PACE, HOT OFF THE AP WIRE!
FURIOUS GEORGE CONTINUES TORRID PACE, ROLLS TO FIFTH STRAIGHT VICTORY... NEW DADS LEAD THE CHARGE... DRUNKEN URQUHART GOES MIA
Portland, OR (AP)
The news finally came over the radio, followed by a song about "faster horses, younger women, older whiskey and more money". Furious George Plays Pool - previously known as The Battling Bastards of Binks - had just wrapped up their fifth straight victory, this time in convincing fashion over the strange outcasts from Sweet Home. With public support firmly behind Furious George, a party immediately erupted on the streets of Northeast Portland. Cars honked and young women in convertibles exposed their breasts as they drove by. "Get out the hose boys, its going to be another festive night in Portland," grumbled a clearly perturbed Police Chief Wiggins.
Starting the night in fourth place, and lingering just 5 points off the lead in the highly competitive NOPO division, Furious George came out of the gates poised and confident. "I could smell the awful stench of fear coming from Sweet Home's side of the table," stated Creepy White afterwards. "It was kind of like stale cheese."
First up was new dad Willie Ryder, who set the tone for Furious George with a swift 3-0 sweep. He toyed with his opponent - much like a cat will often do to a mouse - as he worked the crowd, tipped back a pint of beer, and whupped ass all in one seemingly effortless motion. "That kind of performance will really get the boys going," commented one excited fan afterwards. Everyone cheered and rejoiced Willie's opening sweep except for Urqhuart, who growled and complained about having to fill out "another one of those 'effing certificate forms". His face turned red and his eyes grew mean. Beads of sweat began to form on top of his bald head.
Next up was new dad Veto, who was assigned the tall task of taking on Sweet Home's seven. With bags under his eyes and nothing but baby gibberish ringing between his ears, Veto started slow, showing his rust and dropping the first two games. Then something triggered deep inside him. Perhaps it was pride, or possibly gas the Cha Cha Cha burrito he ate for lunch. Or perhaps it was the Binks mojo, which is once again rumored to be in the air. Whatever it was, it smacked Veto cold in the face and woke him from his daze. He quickly came to life, scraping through the pivotal third game and finishing off his opponent with a long bank shot on the eight ball. With momentum on his side, he made quick work of the next game, running the table down to the eight ball on the break and leaving himself with an easy set up for the win. In just one short inning, it was all over. Veto had effectively slain Sweet Home's Goliath. The crowd roared and once again the Furious George bench exploded, exchanging hand popping high fives. Everyone, that is, except for Urquhart. The red faced coach just scowled, cursing Veto for not dragging out the innings or having any regard for his "goddam ranking".
With the new dads leading the charge, Furious George took an early 2-0 lead. Sweet Home was clearly clinging to the ropes, gasping, exhausted, desperate for a miracle.
Creepy stepped up to the table next, looking dashing as usual in an orange, button down shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. After a sluggish start, he turned it on and finished strong, dazzling the crowd like a true magician. He followed impossible cut shots with precision leaves, barely allowing his awestruck opponent time to breath. The poor fool just stood there, with his jaw wide open and his Boston Red Sox hat crooked on his head. "You ain't in the cozy confines of Fenway Park anymore," Creepy reminded him as he shook hands afterward. "You're in Bunks now, byaaatch!"
Furious George 3, Sweet Home 0.
Victory was theirs and the excitement ran high amongst the players and the fans. Urquhart, however, was nowhere to be found. He had unexpectedly disappeared before Creepy's match; possibly to the bar, possibly to the donut store next door, or possibly out back with an underage Brazilian boy who may or may not have been an underage male prostitute. Rumors buzzed around like bees, but no one knew for sure where their fearless leader had gone. Only one thing was known for sure: he was drunk, and he was mean.
Up 3-0 and needing just one more win to complete the sweep (Sweet Home had forfeited the final game, which we will get to shortly), Bam Bam strolled to the table and screwed together his famous Sneaky Pete. A hush came over the crowd. His girlfriend Kara looked on proudly, blushing like a school girl at the glorious sight of her man preparing to do battle. He started out in his usual fine form, but was ultimately hampered by bad breaks, strange rolls, and an opponent who played at least three levels above his ranking. Our hero was swept 4-0 in a terrible upset, and the Sneaky Pete went quietly into the good night. The missing Urquhart, of course, later blamed Veto for the loss.
"I pity the fool who has to play Bam Bam next week," said life long APA fan and former A-Team star Mr. T. "He gonna make some dumb sucka PAY!"
Undermanned and clearly outwitted, Sweet Home meekly waived the white towel of surrender. Due to a missing player, the final match had been forfeited. According to team spokesman Crazy Carl, their captain had recently lost a toe in a tragic lawn mower accident and is not expected to return anytime soon. Confirmed Veto, who was forced to suffer through the long, painful story: "The lawn mower story is true, Carl told me all about it. The details were heinous, just truly God awful man. There was blood and bone and shattered toe nail everywhere. I could barely stand to hear it. Fortunately, I was able to tune out the second half of the story by focusing on the giant soars on Carl's forehead."
Final Score: Furious George 4, Sweet Home 1.
Status of their mojo: Rising.
Urquhart's status: Still drunk, and still missing.
Portland, OR (AP)
The news finally came over the radio, followed by a song about "faster horses, younger women, older whiskey and more money". Furious George Plays Pool - previously known as The Battling Bastards of Binks - had just wrapped up their fifth straight victory, this time in convincing fashion over the strange outcasts from Sweet Home. With public support firmly behind Furious George, a party immediately erupted on the streets of Northeast Portland. Cars honked and young women in convertibles exposed their breasts as they drove by. "Get out the hose boys, its going to be another festive night in Portland," grumbled a clearly perturbed Police Chief Wiggins.
Starting the night in fourth place, and lingering just 5 points off the lead in the highly competitive NOPO division, Furious George came out of the gates poised and confident. "I could smell the awful stench of fear coming from Sweet Home's side of the table," stated Creepy White afterwards. "It was kind of like stale cheese."
First up was new dad Willie Ryder, who set the tone for Furious George with a swift 3-0 sweep. He toyed with his opponent - much like a cat will often do to a mouse - as he worked the crowd, tipped back a pint of beer, and whupped ass all in one seemingly effortless motion. "That kind of performance will really get the boys going," commented one excited fan afterwards. Everyone cheered and rejoiced Willie's opening sweep except for Urqhuart, who growled and complained about having to fill out "another one of those 'effing certificate forms". His face turned red and his eyes grew mean. Beads of sweat began to form on top of his bald head.
Next up was new dad Veto, who was assigned the tall task of taking on Sweet Home's seven. With bags under his eyes and nothing but baby gibberish ringing between his ears, Veto started slow, showing his rust and dropping the first two games. Then something triggered deep inside him. Perhaps it was pride, or possibly gas the Cha Cha Cha burrito he ate for lunch. Or perhaps it was the Binks mojo, which is once again rumored to be in the air. Whatever it was, it smacked Veto cold in the face and woke him from his daze. He quickly came to life, scraping through the pivotal third game and finishing off his opponent with a long bank shot on the eight ball. With momentum on his side, he made quick work of the next game, running the table down to the eight ball on the break and leaving himself with an easy set up for the win. In just one short inning, it was all over. Veto had effectively slain Sweet Home's Goliath. The crowd roared and once again the Furious George bench exploded, exchanging hand popping high fives. Everyone, that is, except for Urquhart. The red faced coach just scowled, cursing Veto for not dragging out the innings or having any regard for his "goddam ranking".
With the new dads leading the charge, Furious George took an early 2-0 lead. Sweet Home was clearly clinging to the ropes, gasping, exhausted, desperate for a miracle.
Creepy stepped up to the table next, looking dashing as usual in an orange, button down shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. After a sluggish start, he turned it on and finished strong, dazzling the crowd like a true magician. He followed impossible cut shots with precision leaves, barely allowing his awestruck opponent time to breath. The poor fool just stood there, with his jaw wide open and his Boston Red Sox hat crooked on his head. "You ain't in the cozy confines of Fenway Park anymore," Creepy reminded him as he shook hands afterward. "You're in Bunks now, byaaatch!"
Furious George 3, Sweet Home 0.
Victory was theirs and the excitement ran high amongst the players and the fans. Urquhart, however, was nowhere to be found. He had unexpectedly disappeared before Creepy's match; possibly to the bar, possibly to the donut store next door, or possibly out back with an underage Brazilian boy who may or may not have been an underage male prostitute. Rumors buzzed around like bees, but no one knew for sure where their fearless leader had gone. Only one thing was known for sure: he was drunk, and he was mean.
Up 3-0 and needing just one more win to complete the sweep (Sweet Home had forfeited the final game, which we will get to shortly), Bam Bam strolled to the table and screwed together his famous Sneaky Pete. A hush came over the crowd. His girlfriend Kara looked on proudly, blushing like a school girl at the glorious sight of her man preparing to do battle. He started out in his usual fine form, but was ultimately hampered by bad breaks, strange rolls, and an opponent who played at least three levels above his ranking. Our hero was swept 4-0 in a terrible upset, and the Sneaky Pete went quietly into the good night. The missing Urquhart, of course, later blamed Veto for the loss.
"I pity the fool who has to play Bam Bam next week," said life long APA fan and former A-Team star Mr. T. "He gonna make some dumb sucka PAY!"
Undermanned and clearly outwitted, Sweet Home meekly waived the white towel of surrender. Due to a missing player, the final match had been forfeited. According to team spokesman Crazy Carl, their captain had recently lost a toe in a tragic lawn mower accident and is not expected to return anytime soon. Confirmed Veto, who was forced to suffer through the long, painful story: "The lawn mower story is true, Carl told me all about it. The details were heinous, just truly God awful man. There was blood and bone and shattered toe nail everywhere. I could barely stand to hear it. Fortunately, I was able to tune out the second half of the story by focusing on the giant soars on Carl's forehead."
Final Score: Furious George 4, Sweet Home 1.
Status of their mojo: Rising.
Urquhart's status: Still drunk, and still missing.
Rebuttal to: MOLINARI COSTS TEAM SWEEP
By: Veto Molinari
Other than a few horrendous spelling gaffs that would have never made it past Molinari's hound dog editor, I must tip my cap to Urquhart's attempt at journalistic humor. I actually laughed while reading this (which is rare, as Urquhart usually has nothing funny to say). I even blew a small amount of coffee out of my nose when I read the classic line in which the author refers to himself as: "talking quickly, making no sense." Ahhh, now that is fair and balanced reporting indeed my friends! And visually stimulating as well. It pulled me right into the moment and made me feel as if I was actually there listening to Urquhart babble on senselessly, as only he can do.
As for the content of the article, I was naturally troubled by a few things:
(1) It appears that Molinari did not blow the team's chance at a sweep, as it was Urquhart who recorded the only loss of the night. Therefore, only Urquhart can be left to blame for his own inability to close the deal (yes, I know, that's what he said). Though it does not surprise me that Urquhart is once again trying to blame Molinari for his own shortcomings, it is ultimately unfair and nonsensical for him to do so, at least in this case. Yet if he is implying that Molinari would have won a tough final match that he ultimately could not, I concur with the author's logic. This is probably the case indeed.
(2) Another factor that (once again) contributed to the team's only loss of the night appears to be Urquhart's excessive drunkenness and poor coaching (i.e. his inability to get his players there on time, his anger and physical abuse towards Creepy and God knows who else, etc). This, too, is concerning.
In conclusion, I must say I was very happy about most of this article. For one, it is great to see Team Binks back on the march (despite Urquhart's inability to close out the sweep and collect much needed points)! Also, as I have stated, I actually laughed at some of Urquhart's jokes. This, too, was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. However, I was ultimately left disturbed and confused by Urquhart's extremely biased title. I could not help but wonder: If Molinari gets the blame for costing us the sweep this week, shouldn't he have gotten credit for saving the team from a sweep last week? Where was our fair and balanced coach a week ago when Molinari was the only win in a 1-4 loss? Perhaps he was drunk and hung over, or perhaps busy trying to undo the pain and suffering he caused our poor, innocent new teammate Leeann after he assaulted her with a barrage of unnecessary political mumbo jumbo. This week's slam piece against Molinari would have been much easier to swallow if he had written a balanced article last week, perhaps titled Molinari Saves Team From Sweep As Everyone Else Rolls Over And Plays Possum, or possibly even Molinari Perseveres And Beats Hot Chick, Despite Urquhart's Blatant Attempt At Sabotage.
To this unfair attack I can only say: Damn you once again Urquhart, you son of a bitch...
Other than a few horrendous spelling gaffs that would have never made it past Molinari's hound dog editor, I must tip my cap to Urquhart's attempt at journalistic humor. I actually laughed while reading this (which is rare, as Urquhart usually has nothing funny to say). I even blew a small amount of coffee out of my nose when I read the classic line in which the author refers to himself as: "talking quickly, making no sense." Ahhh, now that is fair and balanced reporting indeed my friends! And visually stimulating as well. It pulled me right into the moment and made me feel as if I was actually there listening to Urquhart babble on senselessly, as only he can do.
As for the content of the article, I was naturally troubled by a few things:
(1) It appears that Molinari did not blow the team's chance at a sweep, as it was Urquhart who recorded the only loss of the night. Therefore, only Urquhart can be left to blame for his own inability to close the deal (yes, I know, that's what he said). Though it does not surprise me that Urquhart is once again trying to blame Molinari for his own shortcomings, it is ultimately unfair and nonsensical for him to do so, at least in this case. Yet if he is implying that Molinari would have won a tough final match that he ultimately could not, I concur with the author's logic. This is probably the case indeed.
(2) Another factor that (once again) contributed to the team's only loss of the night appears to be Urquhart's excessive drunkenness and poor coaching (i.e. his inability to get his players there on time, his anger and physical abuse towards Creepy and God knows who else, etc). This, too, is concerning.
In conclusion, I must say I was very happy about most of this article. For one, it is great to see Team Binks back on the march (despite Urquhart's inability to close out the sweep and collect much needed points)! Also, as I have stated, I actually laughed at some of Urquhart's jokes. This, too, was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. However, I was ultimately left disturbed and confused by Urquhart's extremely biased title. I could not help but wonder: If Molinari gets the blame for costing us the sweep this week, shouldn't he have gotten credit for saving the team from a sweep last week? Where was our fair and balanced coach a week ago when Molinari was the only win in a 1-4 loss? Perhaps he was drunk and hung over, or perhaps busy trying to undo the pain and suffering he caused our poor, innocent new teammate Leeann after he assaulted her with a barrage of unnecessary political mumbo jumbo. This week's slam piece against Molinari would have been much easier to swallow if he had written a balanced article last week, perhaps titled Molinari Saves Team From Sweep As Everyone Else Rolls Over And Plays Possum, or possibly even Molinari Perseveres And Beats Hot Chick, Despite Urquhart's Blatant Attempt At Sabotage.
To this unfair attack I can only say: Damn you once again Urquhart, you son of a bitch...
MOLINARI COSTS TEAM SWEEP
Portland, OR (AP)
'Furious George Plays Pool' had quite the home opener to the summer session. After a disappointing winter campaign and a even sadder opening match, we was good to see the boys of NE finally pulling off a major thumping. Although, there were a few issues during the night.
The first issue that the legendary Captain of FGPP (Furious George Plays Pool) faced, once again, was the inability of Creepy White to show up on time. As Urquhart broke a stick over White's head, he muttered "Bitch I know you do this on purposed just because you like the punishment".
Urquhart was able to pull through his anger and sweep his opponent, setting the stage for quite a night. Will-he Ryder was up next. To try and get himself in the Captains good graces, Creapy was able to coach Will-he through some difficult situations. The first game was a little iffy, but showing his mid-season form all ready, Will-he also swept his opponent.
It was finally Creapy's turn to play. After a rough start, the first loss of the night, Creapy came back with a vengeance and won the remaining games and the match. As the game grew to a close, CAP. Urquhart grew nervous. Waylum had not arrived. He was speeding across town as White's game to a close. Slightly ruffled, Urquhart suggested that Creapy throw a game to delay the next match. Creapy shrugged off the suggestion and closed out his match.
This is where the brilliance of Captain Urquhart really came to shine. Talking quickly, and making no sense, he convinced the opposing Captain that FGPP actually had 15 min before they had to put up a player. Feeling a little guilty about hood winking the other team, Urquhart/Ryder and White bought them a round of drinks. Gasps at their generosity flooded the bar.
Within minutes, Creapy was heard to gasp, "There he is....he's here". Indeed, Porter had arrived. With a toss of his coat and a quick 'get me a beer', Porter stepped to the table. Mere minutes later his over matched opponent crawled back to his team, to lick his wounds.
At this point, dear reader, you may be confused by the title of this article. Ahhh...but now we are at the cusp of the night. Due to the lack of 'team playerism' shown by Molinari, the team was a player short. There had to be a call back. The other team got to choose. This is where Captain U made his first mistake, or stumble you might say. Because of his anger at Molinari, the Captain had...possibly....maybe...could have....drank to much. But all well agree that it was well justified. The opposing team may have noticed the slurs...or the stumbles...or the muttering of how much he wanted to kick Molinaris' Ass. Urquhart was selected. He faced off against their toughest competitor. Someone that smelled the blood in the water. Someone that had probably only played pool against old women and young children. Someone that tried to break with the butt of her pool cue. But alas, she was too tough for our might captain. And that was how the night ended. Up 4-0, the team had turned to Molinari. Who dropped the ball.
Where the team goes from here is everyone's question. But one answer is clear, Molinari's days as clean up man are through. He's been benched, for how knows how long. It's been suggested that many beers and maybe a pack or two of smokes may, indeed, get him back in the captain's good graces.
'Furious George Plays Pool' had quite the home opener to the summer session. After a disappointing winter campaign and a even sadder opening match, we was good to see the boys of NE finally pulling off a major thumping. Although, there were a few issues during the night.
The first issue that the legendary Captain of FGPP (Furious George Plays Pool) faced, once again, was the inability of Creepy White to show up on time. As Urquhart broke a stick over White's head, he muttered "Bitch I know you do this on purposed just because you like the punishment".
Urquhart was able to pull through his anger and sweep his opponent, setting the stage for quite a night. Will-he Ryder was up next. To try and get himself in the Captains good graces, Creapy was able to coach Will-he through some difficult situations. The first game was a little iffy, but showing his mid-season form all ready, Will-he also swept his opponent.
It was finally Creapy's turn to play. After a rough start, the first loss of the night, Creapy came back with a vengeance and won the remaining games and the match. As the game grew to a close, CAP. Urquhart grew nervous. Waylum had not arrived. He was speeding across town as White's game to a close. Slightly ruffled, Urquhart suggested that Creapy throw a game to delay the next match. Creapy shrugged off the suggestion and closed out his match.
This is where the brilliance of Captain Urquhart really came to shine. Talking quickly, and making no sense, he convinced the opposing Captain that FGPP actually had 15 min before they had to put up a player. Feeling a little guilty about hood winking the other team, Urquhart/Ryder and White bought them a round of drinks. Gasps at their generosity flooded the bar.
Within minutes, Creapy was heard to gasp, "There he is....he's here". Indeed, Porter had arrived. With a toss of his coat and a quick 'get me a beer', Porter stepped to the table. Mere minutes later his over matched opponent crawled back to his team, to lick his wounds.
At this point, dear reader, you may be confused by the title of this article. Ahhh...but now we are at the cusp of the night. Due to the lack of 'team playerism' shown by Molinari, the team was a player short. There had to be a call back. The other team got to choose. This is where Captain U made his first mistake, or stumble you might say. Because of his anger at Molinari, the Captain had...possibly....maybe...could have....drank to much. But all well agree that it was well justified. The opposing team may have noticed the slurs...or the stumbles...or the muttering of how much he wanted to kick Molinaris' Ass. Urquhart was selected. He faced off against their toughest competitor. Someone that smelled the blood in the water. Someone that had probably only played pool against old women and young children. Someone that tried to break with the butt of her pool cue. But alas, she was too tough for our might captain. And that was how the night ended. Up 4-0, the team had turned to Molinari. Who dropped the ball.
Where the team goes from here is everyone's question. But one answer is clear, Molinari's days as clean up man are through. He's been benched, for how knows how long. It's been suggested that many beers and maybe a pack or two of smokes may, indeed, get him back in the captain's good graces.
FURIOUS GEORGE ROLLS TO VICTORY AT U&I
FURIOUS GEORGE ROLLS TO VICTORY AT U&I... CREEPY WHITE OUTSHINES URQUHUART IN COACHING DEBUT... VETO OFFICIALLY MAKES WILLIE HIS BITCH
Portland, OR (AP)
With solid wins from Veto, Willie, Bam Bam and Creepy, Furious George rolled to a 4-1 victory over the undercoached team from U&I Tavern last night. Said U&I's dejected coach afterwards, "Wow, the guys from Binks were like a different team last night. I guess I was expecting that other coach. You know, the old drunk guy who kind of reminds us of Walter Matthau from the Bad News Bears. All of the sudden they have this new guy coaching, and its like going from Coach Buttermaker and The Bad News Bears to Vince Lombardi and the '61 Packers. We had very little at all tonight..."
On the heels of a very impressive coaching debut from Creepy White, some within the billiards community are predicting that a coup d'etat may soon take place within the upper ranks of the Binks team. "Its almost like there is a revolution brewing," said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Oh snap!" summarized another, "I think Urquhart just got served!"
In a related story, Veto officially made Willie his bitch last night. What started out as a friendly pick up game on the side table soon turned into utter humiliation for Black Beard Ryder. After taunting Veto with his usual brand of nonsensical smack talk - including multiple references to Veto being his "bitch" - Veto handily whooped the overconfident man-child three consecutive times, with each run out to victory more impressive than the last. "I tried to warn him that his Jedi mind tricks would not work on me," said an unsurprised Veto afterwards, "but unfortunately he just didn't want to listen."
Confirmed Chewy Webb, who was witness to the impressive beat down: "Yup, its true alright. Willie felt the the firm backside of Veto's pimp hand last night. If Veto ever asks you to say hi to his bitch for him, you'll know who he's talking about."
Portland, OR (AP)
With solid wins from Veto, Willie, Bam Bam and Creepy, Furious George rolled to a 4-1 victory over the undercoached team from U&I Tavern last night. Said U&I's dejected coach afterwards, "Wow, the guys from Binks were like a different team last night. I guess I was expecting that other coach. You know, the old drunk guy who kind of reminds us of Walter Matthau from the Bad News Bears. All of the sudden they have this new guy coaching, and its like going from Coach Buttermaker and The Bad News Bears to Vince Lombardi and the '61 Packers. We had very little at all tonight..."
On the heels of a very impressive coaching debut from Creepy White, some within the billiards community are predicting that a coup d'etat may soon take place within the upper ranks of the Binks team. "Its almost like there is a revolution brewing," said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. "Oh snap!" summarized another, "I think Urquhart just got served!"
In a related story, Veto officially made Willie his bitch last night. What started out as a friendly pick up game on the side table soon turned into utter humiliation for Black Beard Ryder. After taunting Veto with his usual brand of nonsensical smack talk - including multiple references to Veto being his "bitch" - Veto handily whooped the overconfident man-child three consecutive times, with each run out to victory more impressive than the last. "I tried to warn him that his Jedi mind tricks would not work on me," said an unsurprised Veto afterwards, "but unfortunately he just didn't want to listen."
Confirmed Chewy Webb, who was witness to the impressive beat down: "Yup, its true alright. Willie felt the the firm backside of Veto's pimp hand last night. If Veto ever asks you to say hi to his bitch for him, you'll know who he's talking about."
HOT OFF THE AP WIRE!
URQUHART STAGES GLORIOUS RETURN AS FGPP CAPTAIN
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
It was a night like no other. After taking a week off, Captain Urquhart returned to his post. With a team over joyed by his return, the Captain made his first strategic decision. It was time for the rookie to start off the night. LeeAnn (our 'Hot Pocket', as her suggested nickname states) was thrown into the fray. Unlike many of the more seasoned players on the team, (Chewy, Bam Bam and Veto) she wasn't scared to take on that role. After having a less than ideal lag; she re-grouped and went on a serious run. With her opponent in tears, LeeAnn closed her out in the first game. After narrowly losing the second, she finished off with her first APA win. The crowd went wild and the team was on a role.
Captain Urquhart then made an error and put Bam Bam up against their Captain. The sneaky little SOB with his annoying facial hair confused our hero, and Bam Bam went down to defeat. As he left, he was muttering about wanting to go see his chicks. The poor man was so distracted my his new chickens that he couldn't be expected to actually play pool. But alas, a new father does have his distractions.
Chewy recovered for the team and took down his opponent. Our reporter has a few drinks into the evening, so stats are not available on this match. But alas, Chewy was successful in getting the team back on track.
Despite a mutiny attempt by Creapy, Cap Urquhart continued his fantastic player selection and put Creapy in against their best player. ( I really shouldn't have worn a g-string). Despite being scared by the opposing team, Creapy continued the run and won the clinching match for FGPP.
Poppa Ryder was going to close out the night. Would he continue the run that the team was on? Or would he roll over and get spanked? The tricky play by Bret confused our poor hero and he went down in a blaze of glory. Not before trying to concede the match a game early...but alas, he had to play it out.
After a successful return, many of those attending the match...and even many of the players...commented that not having Veto there squawking in their ear made playing much easier. That, and the superiour player decisions of Cap Urquhart over the opposing coach led to a very successful evening.
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
It was a night like no other. After taking a week off, Captain Urquhart returned to his post. With a team over joyed by his return, the Captain made his first strategic decision. It was time for the rookie to start off the night. LeeAnn (our 'Hot Pocket', as her suggested nickname states) was thrown into the fray. Unlike many of the more seasoned players on the team, (Chewy, Bam Bam and Veto) she wasn't scared to take on that role. After having a less than ideal lag; she re-grouped and went on a serious run. With her opponent in tears, LeeAnn closed her out in the first game. After narrowly losing the second, she finished off with her first APA win. The crowd went wild and the team was on a role.
Captain Urquhart then made an error and put Bam Bam up against their Captain. The sneaky little SOB with his annoying facial hair confused our hero, and Bam Bam went down to defeat. As he left, he was muttering about wanting to go see his chicks. The poor man was so distracted my his new chickens that he couldn't be expected to actually play pool. But alas, a new father does have his distractions.
Chewy recovered for the team and took down his opponent. Our reporter has a few drinks into the evening, so stats are not available on this match. But alas, Chewy was successful in getting the team back on track.
Despite a mutiny attempt by Creapy, Cap Urquhart continued his fantastic player selection and put Creapy in against their best player. ( I really shouldn't have worn a g-string). Despite being scared by the opposing team, Creapy continued the run and won the clinching match for FGPP.
Poppa Ryder was going to close out the night. Would he continue the run that the team was on? Or would he roll over and get spanked? The tricky play by Bret confused our poor hero and he went down in a blaze of glory. Not before trying to concede the match a game early...but alas, he had to play it out.
After a successful return, many of those attending the match...and even many of the players...commented that not having Veto there squawking in their ear made playing much easier. That, and the superiour player decisions of Cap Urquhart over the opposing coach led to a very successful evening.
VETO'S SANITY QUESTIONED
Portland, OR (AP)
In a brilliant display of brillance; the legal defense team of Furious George Captain Ross Urquhart struck back with a vegance in court today. The Judge, in a very unusual step, actually took a moment to have the baliff mop up the mess after the blood bath that took place.
The first step that Urquhart's team took was to show the absurdity of Veto's statments . The pictures of Veto's bathroom showed without a doubt, that there was in fact no window. Proving that either Veto made the whole story up; or was imaging things. The court reporter laughed out loud when Veto was asked many times to show how Urquhart could be watching him the shower. In tears, Veto confused that he had no proof that it was happening; but that he just knew it was.
Although this seemed to close the matter; Urquhart was done not inflicting the humilation on Veto. The next witness to take the stand was in fact the last person stalked by Urquhart. The handsome ruggedness of the witness was stark in comparasion to Veto. There was really no testimony needed; all the jury had to see was the difference in the two individuals. Veto was once again re-called to the stand. Urquhart's lawyer point blank asked him, "Do you really think that a person that is attracted to such a rugged masculine man would take his time and effort to break into your fedor wearing, metro-sexual leaning bathroom?" Once again, Veto broke down into tears noting that he didn't come close to matching up to the masculine witness.
The next to last witness may have been the one that hurt the worst. It was in fact Veto's own wife. After testifying that they had recently had their first child, she continuted by stating that Veto just didn't rock her world lately. As such, Veto had been without that loving feeling for quite some time and was looking for other outlets. Needless to say, the extessive time he was spending in the bathroom was in an attempt to 'RELEASE' some of the building tension. (If you know what we mean.) She contiuned by expressing her dismay over the last year and half and how much Veto talked about Urquhart. Discussing at length every Monday night match, he discussion of every move that Urquhart made, and how Veto felt dismayed at every rejection of his suggestions and advances.
The final witness was Urquhart himself. After his testimony that Veto had actually been the one making the advances, (his story of Veto man-handling him at Concordia came as no surprise to the jury; but was still shocking....and another nail in his coffin) the jury left to go into delibrations. After 2 1/2 minutes they returned with their verdict. No Guilty.
The judge in an unusual step, then commited Veto to further counseling. In a stern statement, he told Veto to spend more time taking care of his own needs (If you know what we mean); instead of projecting his homo-leaning issues onto others.
As Urquhart left he was overheard saying, 'poor sick bastard. But I'm going to continue to kick his ass in pool.'
In a brilliant display of brillance; the legal defense team of Furious George Captain Ross Urquhart struck back with a vegance in court today. The Judge, in a very unusual step, actually took a moment to have the baliff mop up the mess after the blood bath that took place.
The first step that Urquhart's team took was to show the absurdity of Veto's statments . The pictures of Veto's bathroom showed without a doubt, that there was in fact no window. Proving that either Veto made the whole story up; or was imaging things. The court reporter laughed out loud when Veto was asked many times to show how Urquhart could be watching him the shower. In tears, Veto confused that he had no proof that it was happening; but that he just knew it was.
Although this seemed to close the matter; Urquhart was done not inflicting the humilation on Veto. The next witness to take the stand was in fact the last person stalked by Urquhart. The handsome ruggedness of the witness was stark in comparasion to Veto. There was really no testimony needed; all the jury had to see was the difference in the two individuals. Veto was once again re-called to the stand. Urquhart's lawyer point blank asked him, "Do you really think that a person that is attracted to such a rugged masculine man would take his time and effort to break into your fedor wearing, metro-sexual leaning bathroom?" Once again, Veto broke down into tears noting that he didn't come close to matching up to the masculine witness.
The next to last witness may have been the one that hurt the worst. It was in fact Veto's own wife. After testifying that they had recently had their first child, she continuted by stating that Veto just didn't rock her world lately. As such, Veto had been without that loving feeling for quite some time and was looking for other outlets. Needless to say, the extessive time he was spending in the bathroom was in an attempt to 'RELEASE' some of the building tension. (If you know what we mean.) She contiuned by expressing her dismay over the last year and half and how much Veto talked about Urquhart. Discussing at length every Monday night match, he discussion of every move that Urquhart made, and how Veto felt dismayed at every rejection of his suggestions and advances.
The final witness was Urquhart himself. After his testimony that Veto had actually been the one making the advances, (his story of Veto man-handling him at Concordia came as no surprise to the jury; but was still shocking....and another nail in his coffin) the jury left to go into delibrations. After 2 1/2 minutes they returned with their verdict. No Guilty.
The judge in an unusual step, then commited Veto to further counseling. In a stern statement, he told Veto to spend more time taking care of his own needs (If you know what we mean); instead of projecting his homo-leaning issues onto others.
As Urquhart left he was overheard saying, 'poor sick bastard. But I'm going to continue to kick his ass in pool.'
VETO QUITS POST AS TEAM JOURNALIST
VETO QUITS POST AS TEAM JOURNALIST, CLAIMS HE HAS WRITTEN HIS LAST AP WIRE REPORT
Portland, OR (AP)
Claiming that his biting form of satire is becoming too much for Urquhart's fragile psyche to handle, Veto surprised the team (or at least the two people who actually read his articles) and decided to call an end to his budding journalism career. 'While I enjoy writing the AP wire reports - particularly the parts about my arch nemesis Urquhart - I am here today to announce that I have written my last article,' he said at a press conference on Tuesday afternoon. 'It is for the good of the team', Veto continued, adding that he has 'upset the bear, and I have learned from experience that you should never... ever... poke the bear! So, long story short, I'm going to bow out, lay low, trade in my pen for something less controversial and divisive.' When asked what he intends to do with the time that he used to spend writing on Tuesday mornings, Veto got emotional and fought back tears for the first time. 'I don't know', he replied sadly, 'my job I guess.'
Portland, OR (AP)
Claiming that his biting form of satire is becoming too much for Urquhart's fragile psyche to handle, Veto surprised the team (or at least the two people who actually read his articles) and decided to call an end to his budding journalism career. 'While I enjoy writing the AP wire reports - particularly the parts about my arch nemesis Urquhart - I am here today to announce that I have written my last article,' he said at a press conference on Tuesday afternoon. 'It is for the good of the team', Veto continued, adding that he has 'upset the bear, and I have learned from experience that you should never... ever... poke the bear! So, long story short, I'm going to bow out, lay low, trade in my pen for something less controversial and divisive.' When asked what he intends to do with the time that he used to spend writing on Tuesday mornings, Veto got emotional and fought back tears for the first time. 'I don't know', he replied sadly, 'my job I guess.'
URQUHART CLAIMS HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS SUPREME GOD
URQUHART CLAIMS HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE AS SUPREME GOD
PORTLAND, OR (AP)In an evening of the unexpected; it should come as no surprise that the team once again relied on their leader to provide the much needed point for the night. Things started out so well....and then quickly turned into a tailspin.
The evening started off with a rousing win by Mr Webb. After being woken from his nap, Toby White (famous for his strange use of women's t-shirts to distract his opponets) said that watching Brandon play was 'like watching paint dry. Althouth with paint you could actually see an end in sight.' But a win it once. As Mr Webb bounced out of the bar he proclaimed 'thats how its done bitches'.
Next up to the bat was Docker Bam Bam Simons. In a strange turn of events, Mr Simons seemed to be confused on where the balls were supposed to end up. Before his fans had even settled into their seats, he was out. On his way to the bathroom too 'work over his cue' he damaged bar property. In the complaint filed by the opposing team, Bam Bam stated that 'Todd told me the only way to deal with a lose was to work out the frustration alone...in the bathroom...stick in hand.' Bam Bam may have been confused by Veto's ture intent.
The third match of the night was a battle indeed. Creapy put up a fight. Had his opponent frustrated, but the hippy was just too good for him on this night. Better luck next time.
The true battle of the night, came down to the 4th match. At this point BBB of Binks was behind 2-1. They needed this match to stay in the hunt. Captain Urquhart drew the worst card of all. The 80 year old woman. No other place is this woman so feared. As she stepped to the table, the crowd went quiet. In the first match, Urquhart made a fatal error. Not in the shot...but in listening to the Assistant Captain. 'Dude...don't worry about it; just hit the hell out the balls and everything well be fine.'
Mistake indeed. After scratching on the first game; Urquhart was able to use his superior ability to overcome the granny from the hood. The teams were now tied.
Thanks to the brilliant play by Urquhart; all Molinari had to do was not blow it. Frankly, as much as he thinks of his ability it should have been an easy win. Unfortunaltey, it wasn't to be. Molinari went down in the blaze of mis shots and bad decisions. As Urquhart left...dejected after working so hard to bring the team back from the brink...all he could say was 'I keep working and working...for the second week in a row I've won; only to see the rest of my team choke. I don't know how much I can take.' He then walked slowly down the street; as he cried silently.
The next test for BBB is comes in 6 short days. Hopefully these suckers can pull themselves together and win a night.
PORTLAND, OR (AP)In an evening of the unexpected; it should come as no surprise that the team once again relied on their leader to provide the much needed point for the night. Things started out so well....and then quickly turned into a tailspin.
The evening started off with a rousing win by Mr Webb. After being woken from his nap, Toby White (famous for his strange use of women's t-shirts to distract his opponets) said that watching Brandon play was 'like watching paint dry. Althouth with paint you could actually see an end in sight.' But a win it once. As Mr Webb bounced out of the bar he proclaimed 'thats how its done bitches'.
Next up to the bat was Docker Bam Bam Simons. In a strange turn of events, Mr Simons seemed to be confused on where the balls were supposed to end up. Before his fans had even settled into their seats, he was out. On his way to the bathroom too 'work over his cue' he damaged bar property. In the complaint filed by the opposing team, Bam Bam stated that 'Todd told me the only way to deal with a lose was to work out the frustration alone...in the bathroom...stick in hand.' Bam Bam may have been confused by Veto's ture intent.
The third match of the night was a battle indeed. Creapy put up a fight. Had his opponent frustrated, but the hippy was just too good for him on this night. Better luck next time.
The true battle of the night, came down to the 4th match. At this point BBB of Binks was behind 2-1. They needed this match to stay in the hunt. Captain Urquhart drew the worst card of all. The 80 year old woman. No other place is this woman so feared. As she stepped to the table, the crowd went quiet. In the first match, Urquhart made a fatal error. Not in the shot...but in listening to the Assistant Captain. 'Dude...don't worry about it; just hit the hell out the balls and everything well be fine.'
Mistake indeed. After scratching on the first game; Urquhart was able to use his superior ability to overcome the granny from the hood. The teams were now tied.
Thanks to the brilliant play by Urquhart; all Molinari had to do was not blow it. Frankly, as much as he thinks of his ability it should have been an easy win. Unfortunaltey, it wasn't to be. Molinari went down in the blaze of mis shots and bad decisions. As Urquhart left...dejected after working so hard to bring the team back from the brink...all he could say was 'I keep working and working...for the second week in a row I've won; only to see the rest of my team choke. I don't know how much I can take.' He then walked slowly down the street; as he cried silently.
The next test for BBB is comes in 6 short days. Hopefully these suckers can pull themselves together and win a night.
HOT NEWS FROM THE AP WIRE
URQUHART MANGLES BALL IN HAND OPPORTUNITY, SUBVERTS SWEEP;
CHERRY PIE ADMITS PASSIONATE FANTASIES FOR FORGETFUL OPPONENT
Portland, OR (AP)
Some within the billiards community are calling it the worst mental error of all time. Much worse than the time Veto forgot to put the cue ball in the kitchen after his opponent scratched on the break. By far more horrendous than the time Urquhart mistook the seven ball for the cue ball during a drunken, late night practice round. And yes friends, even more appalling than the time some guy from Sweet Home fouled by touching the cue ball with his exposed, uncircumcised penis. Yes, last night the unthinkable happened. At the crucial point in his match, and with the team's undefeated run on the line, Urqhuart simply forgot... that he had ball in hand.
"What happened last night was the brain fart of all brain farts," said APA historian Lefty Worrell. "Why anyone would leave themselves that much green on a ball in hand situation - or even worse, how one could forget altogether that he had ball in hand - is a mystery to me."
"Well, I can't dwell on that now," said a despondent Urquhart afterwards. "Sure I cost us the opportunity to end our otherwise disappointing session with a glorious, momentum shifting sweep, but lets not forget what I was up against here. Cherry Pie cast her strange voodoo spell on me once again, and I simply forgot that I had ball in hand." He then paused, seemingly trying to make sense of it all. "All I can do now is focus on the positives and move on," he said. "I mean, it wasn't all bad out there. I did manage my balls well. And I was stroking my shaft nicely all night long."
Despite the ghastly blunder, most of his teammates remained supportive of their fearless leader. Said a shocked but compassionate Willie Ryder, "What can you do, it happens. Sometimes people forget they have ball in hand. I mean, I've never actually seen it happen to anyone else, but I know now that it is possible."
Added Veto, "At least he handled himself well. I probably would have strangled someone, or at the very least cursed out one of those poor, helpless old ladies before redirecting my wrath towards my coach and all other innocent bystanders; starting with the women and children."
Other teammates were less forgiving of Urquhart's latest blunder. When pushed for a comment, co-captain Creepy White was direct and outspoken, saying, "That was the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Lets just hope he doesn't screw up the wild card draw in the same kind of dramatic fashion. I swear to God Urquhart, you better redeem yourself and get us that wild card birth or so help me Jesus..."
Andy and Waylund refused to comment on the brewing scandal, although both quickly answered "yes" when asked if they thought Urquhart should be tested for Alzheimer's after last night's unexplainable mental lapse.
When contacted by phone and asked for his take on the matter, Chewy sounded confused and slightly upset at the line of questioning. "What, we had pool league last night?" he asked. "On a Monday? What the hell guys? Why didn't someone inform me of the schedule change?"
Said Cherry Pie, who was the recipient of Urquhart's generous gift, "Thanks for giving me the match Ross. You know I love you anyway, but this really solidifies my feelings for you. Hoo boy, if you were straight I would do nasty, kinky things to that hunky body of yours." She then fanned her flush face with an APA score card and lit up a cigarette, apparently transfixed in a moment of fantastic sexual bliss.
CHERRY PIE ADMITS PASSIONATE FANTASIES FOR FORGETFUL OPPONENT
Portland, OR (AP)
Some within the billiards community are calling it the worst mental error of all time. Much worse than the time Veto forgot to put the cue ball in the kitchen after his opponent scratched on the break. By far more horrendous than the time Urquhart mistook the seven ball for the cue ball during a drunken, late night practice round. And yes friends, even more appalling than the time some guy from Sweet Home fouled by touching the cue ball with his exposed, uncircumcised penis. Yes, last night the unthinkable happened. At the crucial point in his match, and with the team's undefeated run on the line, Urqhuart simply forgot... that he had ball in hand.
"What happened last night was the brain fart of all brain farts," said APA historian Lefty Worrell. "Why anyone would leave themselves that much green on a ball in hand situation - or even worse, how one could forget altogether that he had ball in hand - is a mystery to me."
"Well, I can't dwell on that now," said a despondent Urquhart afterwards. "Sure I cost us the opportunity to end our otherwise disappointing session with a glorious, momentum shifting sweep, but lets not forget what I was up against here. Cherry Pie cast her strange voodoo spell on me once again, and I simply forgot that I had ball in hand." He then paused, seemingly trying to make sense of it all. "All I can do now is focus on the positives and move on," he said. "I mean, it wasn't all bad out there. I did manage my balls well. And I was stroking my shaft nicely all night long."
Despite the ghastly blunder, most of his teammates remained supportive of their fearless leader. Said a shocked but compassionate Willie Ryder, "What can you do, it happens. Sometimes people forget they have ball in hand. I mean, I've never actually seen it happen to anyone else, but I know now that it is possible."
Added Veto, "At least he handled himself well. I probably would have strangled someone, or at the very least cursed out one of those poor, helpless old ladies before redirecting my wrath towards my coach and all other innocent bystanders; starting with the women and children."
Other teammates were less forgiving of Urquhart's latest blunder. When pushed for a comment, co-captain Creepy White was direct and outspoken, saying, "That was the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Lets just hope he doesn't screw up the wild card draw in the same kind of dramatic fashion. I swear to God Urquhart, you better redeem yourself and get us that wild card birth or so help me Jesus..."
Andy and Waylund refused to comment on the brewing scandal, although both quickly answered "yes" when asked if they thought Urquhart should be tested for Alzheimer's after last night's unexplainable mental lapse.
When contacted by phone and asked for his take on the matter, Chewy sounded confused and slightly upset at the line of questioning. "What, we had pool league last night?" he asked. "On a Monday? What the hell guys? Why didn't someone inform me of the schedule change?"
Said Cherry Pie, who was the recipient of Urquhart's generous gift, "Thanks for giving me the match Ross. You know I love you anyway, but this really solidifies my feelings for you. Hoo boy, if you were straight I would do nasty, kinky things to that hunky body of yours." She then fanned her flush face with an APA score card and lit up a cigarette, apparently transfixed in a moment of fantastic sexual bliss.
CHALLENGE UPDATES, HOT OFF THE AP WIRE
CREEPY HOLDS ONTO NUMBER ONE RANKING IN FURIOUS GOERGE CHALLENGE OF CHAMPIONS TOURNAMENT.... URQUHART DEFEATS WILLE, THEN LOSES TO HIS ARCH NEMESIS MIXA, AGAIN!
Portland, OR (AP)
Creepy held onto his number one ranking in the Furious George Challenge of Champions Tournament, beating Veto 3-0 in a best of five series on Tuesday night. Each of the final two games were one inning or less, and each started and ended the same exact way: Veto opened with a five ball run, then Creepy stepped to the table and ran out all six of his remaining balls - plus the eight ball - for the win. It was an impressive display of position play and shot making indeed. Said Veto afterwards, 'I really hate that guy.' In other tournament news, Urquhart defeated Willie on Monday night, only to turn around and lose to his arch nemesis Mixa... AGAIN! Mixa has clearly taken up residence in Urquhart's head, using powerful mind voodoo to control his play like a puppet. Urquhart could not be found for comment. Witnesses claim was last seen in the back seat of his car, curled up in the fetal position outside The Mouse Trap, sucking his thumb and mumbling incoherent gibberish in strange tongues.
Portland, OR (AP)
Creepy held onto his number one ranking in the Furious George Challenge of Champions Tournament, beating Veto 3-0 in a best of five series on Tuesday night. Each of the final two games were one inning or less, and each started and ended the same exact way: Veto opened with a five ball run, then Creepy stepped to the table and ran out all six of his remaining balls - plus the eight ball - for the win. It was an impressive display of position play and shot making indeed. Said Veto afterwards, 'I really hate that guy.' In other tournament news, Urquhart defeated Willie on Monday night, only to turn around and lose to his arch nemesis Mixa... AGAIN! Mixa has clearly taken up residence in Urquhart's head, using powerful mind voodoo to control his play like a puppet. Urquhart could not be found for comment. Witnesses claim was last seen in the back seat of his car, curled up in the fetal position outside The Mouse Trap, sucking his thumb and mumbling incoherent gibberish in strange tongues.
FGPP Wins Again
ARRIVAL OF BABY MOLINARI PROPELS FGPP TO 4TH WIN IN A ROW.
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
With the arrival of baby Ryan...would FGPP celebrate with a win??? After a rough start by Co-Captain White...(hello??? When I say I'm dropping everything off, you might want to actually LOOK for the paperwork); could the team come back for a win. Short handed, up first up, Will He Ryder gets shut out. I hear the sun was in his eye.
Next, Captain America--Waylund gets a shut out of his own. This time on the winning side. Continuing his winning streak, Waylund shows why we keep him around.
Then the co-captain steps up to the play the bartender who only plays about once a month. Surely our hero can pull off a win against someone that plays so seldom.
Nope.
He gets shutout.
But as he is getting shutout, the strength of the team arrives. Late, but ready go, in walks the man, the myth....Mr Webb. Feeding off the winning ways of Waylund, and ignoring the performances by Bill and Toby, Brandon set a few milestones. #1...He shut someone out. #2...He's won two weeks in a row. #3...The arrival of the Captain didn't rattle him.
Teams tied, 2-2. It's now time for the Captain to prove his worth. It a desperate move, the opposing coach puts up their best player. Not only has she only played 2x in league....but she's also drunk. Very shading things going on. Random shot selection, stumbling, slurring, etc all worked to distract our hero. But no...not this time. This time Urquhart was not the one that was drunk. Not having to drink a fifth just to keep from punching Veto made it that the Cap could get a shut out of his own.
FGPP wins 3-2.
All for baby Ryan.
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
With the arrival of baby Ryan...would FGPP celebrate with a win??? After a rough start by Co-Captain White...(hello??? When I say I'm dropping everything off, you might want to actually LOOK for the paperwork); could the team come back for a win. Short handed, up first up, Will He Ryder gets shut out. I hear the sun was in his eye.
Next, Captain America--Waylund gets a shut out of his own. This time on the winning side. Continuing his winning streak, Waylund shows why we keep him around.
Then the co-captain steps up to the play the bartender who only plays about once a month. Surely our hero can pull off a win against someone that plays so seldom.
Nope.
He gets shutout.
But as he is getting shutout, the strength of the team arrives. Late, but ready go, in walks the man, the myth....Mr Webb. Feeding off the winning ways of Waylund, and ignoring the performances by Bill and Toby, Brandon set a few milestones. #1...He shut someone out. #2...He's won two weeks in a row. #3...The arrival of the Captain didn't rattle him.
Teams tied, 2-2. It's now time for the Captain to prove his worth. It a desperate move, the opposing coach puts up their best player. Not only has she only played 2x in league....but she's also drunk. Very shading things going on. Random shot selection, stumbling, slurring, etc all worked to distract our hero. But no...not this time. This time Urquhart was not the one that was drunk. Not having to drink a fifth just to keep from punching Veto made it that the Cap could get a shut out of his own.
FGPP wins 3-2.
All for baby Ryan.
PLAYOFFS TONIGHT
THE BATTLING BASTARDS ENTER PLAYOFFS WITH QUIET CONFIDENCE; URQUHART POISED TO BLAME VETO IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
By all subjective accounts, The Battling Bastards are entering the playoffs in very strong shape. Though no one else in the league seems to have taken notice yet, the boys from Binks have won 7 of their last 10 matches and appear to be peaking at the right time.
"We're shooting good pool and the rankings play in our favor tonight," said a stoic Coach Urquhart during his Sunday afternoon press conference. "Chewy is playing some of his best pool right now, which makes him a very strong two to contend with. I have kicked my game up a notch as well, which makes me a strong three... If only that son of a bitch Veto hadn't gone back up to a five, we'd be in near perfect shape right now."
Urquhart then turned beat red and began to noticeably clench his jaw as the thought of Veto's latest blunder sent his blood pressure through the danger zone. "Damn that 'effing Veto!" he screamed, slamming his iron fist into the table.
While Coach Urquhart was being restrained and provided with an oxygen mask to help calm him down, other members of the team stepped in to answer questions from the crowd of anxious reporters.
"I feel good about our chances," said a humble Bam Bam. "We got a gift with this playoff birth, and I feel confident that we're going to take advantage of it."
Added Creepy White, "I practiced all weekend and then ate sushi in Hillsboro. Mmmm, California rolls... Ikuru.... Sake"
"Big time players make big time shots in big time games," interrupted an outspoken Chewy Webb. "Do I like the pressure? You bet your ass I do. I thrive under the bright lights of a playoff match. The Kenton Club just better hope the TV cameras aren't there. I'm an animal when the TV crews are around."
"Sure, I like our chances," said the ex-Assistant To The Assistant Head Coach Veto Molinari. "We've all been finding our stride over the last few weeks, we got in some good practice this weekend, we're loose, Chewy and Urquhart have stepped up their games to a new, electrifying level... the Kenton Club better bring their A games tonight."
After calming down and restoring the natural color to his face, Urquhart was asked what it will take to win tonight. "Well," he answered, "if everyone does their job we should be fine. I have faith in the guys and I think we're all ready for the challenge. Except for Veto. I just never know with that mad man."
Urquhart then began turning red again, and a small stream of white foam became visible under the bottom left hand corner of his lip. "If anything goes wrong tonight, so help me Jesus," he fumed, "I will smack Veto down like the little bitch that he is! And then I'll go to his house, I'll find his family, and I'll..."
The fiery coach was then stopped in mid sentence and forcibly removed from the podium, kicking and screaming and railing against Veto for all the depravity in the world.
While some savvy journalists questioned openly whether of not the coach's tirade was an act - a ploy, if you will, by a coach trying to fire up his team before the big game - others believed his anger was sincere. "That Veto is going to take ten years off of his life," said Wally Pendergrass of the New York Times. "At least ten freaking years, man."
PORTLAND, OR (AP)
By all subjective accounts, The Battling Bastards are entering the playoffs in very strong shape. Though no one else in the league seems to have taken notice yet, the boys from Binks have won 7 of their last 10 matches and appear to be peaking at the right time.
"We're shooting good pool and the rankings play in our favor tonight," said a stoic Coach Urquhart during his Sunday afternoon press conference. "Chewy is playing some of his best pool right now, which makes him a very strong two to contend with. I have kicked my game up a notch as well, which makes me a strong three... If only that son of a bitch Veto hadn't gone back up to a five, we'd be in near perfect shape right now."
Urquhart then turned beat red and began to noticeably clench his jaw as the thought of Veto's latest blunder sent his blood pressure through the danger zone. "Damn that 'effing Veto!" he screamed, slamming his iron fist into the table.
While Coach Urquhart was being restrained and provided with an oxygen mask to help calm him down, other members of the team stepped in to answer questions from the crowd of anxious reporters.
"I feel good about our chances," said a humble Bam Bam. "We got a gift with this playoff birth, and I feel confident that we're going to take advantage of it."
Added Creepy White, "I practiced all weekend and then ate sushi in Hillsboro. Mmmm, California rolls... Ikuru.... Sake"
"Big time players make big time shots in big time games," interrupted an outspoken Chewy Webb. "Do I like the pressure? You bet your ass I do. I thrive under the bright lights of a playoff match. The Kenton Club just better hope the TV cameras aren't there. I'm an animal when the TV crews are around."
"Sure, I like our chances," said the ex-Assistant To The Assistant Head Coach Veto Molinari. "We've all been finding our stride over the last few weeks, we got in some good practice this weekend, we're loose, Chewy and Urquhart have stepped up their games to a new, electrifying level... the Kenton Club better bring their A games tonight."
After calming down and restoring the natural color to his face, Urquhart was asked what it will take to win tonight. "Well," he answered, "if everyone does their job we should be fine. I have faith in the guys and I think we're all ready for the challenge. Except for Veto. I just never know with that mad man."
Urquhart then began turning red again, and a small stream of white foam became visible under the bottom left hand corner of his lip. "If anything goes wrong tonight, so help me Jesus," he fumed, "I will smack Veto down like the little bitch that he is! And then I'll go to his house, I'll find his family, and I'll..."
The fiery coach was then stopped in mid sentence and forcibly removed from the podium, kicking and screaming and railing against Veto for all the depravity in the world.
While some savvy journalists questioned openly whether of not the coach's tirade was an act - a ploy, if you will, by a coach trying to fire up his team before the big game - others believed his anger was sincere. "That Veto is going to take ten years off of his life," said Wally Pendergrass of the New York Times. "At least ten freaking years, man."
FURIOUS GEORGE REBOUNDS AT THEIR OLD STOMPING GROUND... FAST EDDIE NEARLY MELTS DOWN IN ANGER
Portland, OR (AP) They say pool is a game of recovery. Sometimes from shot to shot, sometimes from match to match. For Furious George, they have been recovering from a nasty hangover that all started during the final curtain call of the summer session. With the pain lingering and the memory refusing to fade, they opened the fall session with a lackluster 3-7 start. Forgotten in the standings and fading in their fans' hearts, Urquhart was furious. Confidence had sagged. Momentum had stalled. And Willie nearly lost an elbow in a terrible drunken bike accident. The team had fallen on hard times indeed.
But much to The Mouse Trap's surprise, Furious Furious George did not hobble into their house on Monday night. They strolled in with the quiet confidence of Divisional Champions. And why shouldn't they? In just four short sessions (or somewhere thereabout, blame Coach Urquhart if you will for not maintaining sufficient team records), they have taken home a Divisional Championship AND a second place trophy. Not too shabby. And that second place finish was only by a whisker in the standings. Oh so close, oh so close...
Furthermore, they rarely - if ever - fail to put on a show at the Mouse Trap. Yes indeed, The Georges were confident, poised and ready to reclaim their grasp on the division.
First up at the table was Miss Mixa. She brought a smooth stroke and a soft touch, and quickly jumped out to an early 1-0 lead. A masterful cut shot on the eight ball put her higher ranked opponent squarely in the frying pan. Just warming her up. Like a cracked egg on a buttery skillet.
Said Alison Fisher, winner of an astounding 50 WPBA tournaments and widely regarded as on of the best players alive, 'Umm, I dunno whot to say, really. Not bad for a young Yank. In all truth yes, she played like The Duchess tonight.'
The Duchess quickly delivered the knockout blow and won the match, setting the tone for the night. Then came the put-up for game two, where Urquhart displayed his first masterful coaching move of the night. Sensing that Bam Bam was tipping back the vodka martinis with a little too much ease, he wisely chose to send him to the table. Bam Bam was, possibly, at the peak of his perfect buzz! He played loose, confident, near flawless pool. 'It was a clinic on shot making, cue ball control, and execution,' admired Veto from post game news conference.
The match was all over before his sad, sad opponent knew what hit her. The Bam swept her 3-0, putting it away with a routine kick shot on the eight ball into the side pocket (Routine, that is, for the BANK SHOT KID!!).
Furious George was loose and rowdy, on the verge of perfection in the wins column. They lead 2-0, and the tension just continued to mount on The Mouse Trap's side of the table. Furious George, the long lost battalion who had been written off given up for dead, had marched back and showed little sign of letting up on the pedal.
Willie strode to the table next, playing despite a terrible, painful wound to his left elbow; the bandage constantly reminding him of the scars. He wasted little time, picking up right where Bam Bam left off and jumping to an early 3-0 lead. His opponent was clearly shaken and baffled, as she knew that no amount of sweet talk could rattle Willie tonight (she had, after all, made some sort of lesbian come on to Leeann, and later told Veto he had nice legs while he was leaning into a shot. No one knew for sure what she whispered to Willie in that lost moment before the lag, as his icy stare gave away little sign of emotion). No sir, the man with the bum elbow was not to be denied tonight. He wasted little time, and finished off the sweep in convincing fashion.
'Hot damn, Willie even played a few nice defensive shots tonight,' said Urquhart afterwards, quizzically scratching his bald head in clear disbelief. It was just all so surreal, and he struggled to make sense of it all. And then it hit him! 'Indeed', he wondered to himself - silently and without expression - 'perhaps the fury has worked again!'
Furious George 3, The Mouse Trap 0. Veto stepped to the table for game four. Ah yes, the string of sweeps hummed a seductive tune in Veto's mind, and he later acknowledged that it was a strong motivational factor for him. As well was pride, redemption, and the fear of getting beat by another old lady with white hair and a bad hip. He would not have any thought of it tonight. Veto charged to an early lead, sinking the first three eight balls on his first three tries. It took only 6 innings to secure a 3-0 lead. Things appeared to be well under control. And then, suddenly and without warning, the old white hair mounted her attack! She put together a glorious five ball run-out to win game 4.
'Oh No!' Veto's mind began to race. Had she sensed his acquilles heel: his fear of elderly female pool players? 'Sweet God, NO!' he thought to himself. 'Don't move a muscle! She'll know, SHE'LL KNOW!!'
But the Binks mojo ultimately come to Veto's rescue, and the granny scratched on the eight ball to end the game five. Furious George 4, The Mouse Trap, 0.
Finally, it was the final match of the night. The pairing that everyone had been waiting for and talking about! Creepywhite versa Fast Eddie Hothead, ranked an impressive 7. To say Fast Eddie has a temper would be like saying Bam Bam has a bank shot. It is fast and powerful, unpredictable in all its raging glory. Yes, and one could easily understand why Eddie had reason to be agitated tonight. Things clearly weren't going his team's way, and he now had to face his arch nemesis, Creepywhite. Creepy had already whupped him one, and how could anyone forget? With the last game of that legendary first match at its apex, with Creepy poised to tap in an easy shot on the eight ball for the win, Fast Eddie suddenly exploded, sending pool balls flying and F-bombs sailing. Cleary, our hero had worked his way into Eddie's psyche under his skin. He forfeighted with little honor left in tact.
At first, it appeared that tonight would be no different. Creepy gained early control and Fast Eddie cursed at balls, candidly telling the 14 to 'Fu@*' iteslf after a close miss in the side pocket. He lashed his cue above the table like a saber, sending his pocket marker into flight with a direct blow. 'That M&M guy went flying off the table like a missle,' said one stunned onlooker. Fast Eddie was boiling over, about to explode! The crowd could sense it, and people began to move away. Slowly at first, and then quicker, with a more urgent pace. One worried patron - some would say a hero - grabbed an old woman's arm and quietly escorted her to safety. She thanked him, and offered to repay him with a homemade fruitcake. Veto moved away from the bench, fearful of the spit and stink that appeared to be coming his way. It was a terrible scene by any standards!
But in the end, by some tragic twist of fate, Fast Eddy prevailed. Creepy took him to his breaking point, and then kindly took his foot off his throat. It was a rare a gift in the end. And perhaps it was for the best. God only knows what kind of fury Eddie would have unleashed on that barfull of her helpless victims. 'Fast Eddy makes Urquhart look like a peacful Buddhist Monk,' commented one Furious George teammate, though he still demanded to remain anonymous.
'It was a strong team effort tonight,' said a strangely content Coach Urquhart afterwards, 'a good team win. We all played with focus, pride, determination, will... I don't see any reason why we won't keep this up.' 'They're just doing what they always do,' commented one sports talk radio host from 1080 The Fan, 'charging up from the middle of the pack and going after a divisional title.'
But much to The Mouse Trap's surprise, Furious Furious George did not hobble into their house on Monday night. They strolled in with the quiet confidence of Divisional Champions. And why shouldn't they? In just four short sessions (or somewhere thereabout, blame Coach Urquhart if you will for not maintaining sufficient team records), they have taken home a Divisional Championship AND a second place trophy. Not too shabby. And that second place finish was only by a whisker in the standings. Oh so close, oh so close...
Furthermore, they rarely - if ever - fail to put on a show at the Mouse Trap. Yes indeed, The Georges were confident, poised and ready to reclaim their grasp on the division.
First up at the table was Miss Mixa. She brought a smooth stroke and a soft touch, and quickly jumped out to an early 1-0 lead. A masterful cut shot on the eight ball put her higher ranked opponent squarely in the frying pan. Just warming her up. Like a cracked egg on a buttery skillet.
Said Alison Fisher, winner of an astounding 50 WPBA tournaments and widely regarded as on of the best players alive, 'Umm, I dunno whot to say, really. Not bad for a young Yank. In all truth yes, she played like The Duchess tonight.'
The Duchess quickly delivered the knockout blow and won the match, setting the tone for the night. Then came the put-up for game two, where Urquhart displayed his first masterful coaching move of the night. Sensing that Bam Bam was tipping back the vodka martinis with a little too much ease, he wisely chose to send him to the table. Bam Bam was, possibly, at the peak of his perfect buzz! He played loose, confident, near flawless pool. 'It was a clinic on shot making, cue ball control, and execution,' admired Veto from post game news conference.
The match was all over before his sad, sad opponent knew what hit her. The Bam swept her 3-0, putting it away with a routine kick shot on the eight ball into the side pocket (Routine, that is, for the BANK SHOT KID!!).
Furious George was loose and rowdy, on the verge of perfection in the wins column. They lead 2-0, and the tension just continued to mount on The Mouse Trap's side of the table. Furious George, the long lost battalion who had been written off given up for dead, had marched back and showed little sign of letting up on the pedal.
Willie strode to the table next, playing despite a terrible, painful wound to his left elbow; the bandage constantly reminding him of the scars. He wasted little time, picking up right where Bam Bam left off and jumping to an early 3-0 lead. His opponent was clearly shaken and baffled, as she knew that no amount of sweet talk could rattle Willie tonight (she had, after all, made some sort of lesbian come on to Leeann, and later told Veto he had nice legs while he was leaning into a shot. No one knew for sure what she whispered to Willie in that lost moment before the lag, as his icy stare gave away little sign of emotion). No sir, the man with the bum elbow was not to be denied tonight. He wasted little time, and finished off the sweep in convincing fashion.
'Hot damn, Willie even played a few nice defensive shots tonight,' said Urquhart afterwards, quizzically scratching his bald head in clear disbelief. It was just all so surreal, and he struggled to make sense of it all. And then it hit him! 'Indeed', he wondered to himself - silently and without expression - 'perhaps the fury has worked again!'
Furious George 3, The Mouse Trap 0. Veto stepped to the table for game four. Ah yes, the string of sweeps hummed a seductive tune in Veto's mind, and he later acknowledged that it was a strong motivational factor for him. As well was pride, redemption, and the fear of getting beat by another old lady with white hair and a bad hip. He would not have any thought of it tonight. Veto charged to an early lead, sinking the first three eight balls on his first three tries. It took only 6 innings to secure a 3-0 lead. Things appeared to be well under control. And then, suddenly and without warning, the old white hair mounted her attack! She put together a glorious five ball run-out to win game 4.
'Oh No!' Veto's mind began to race. Had she sensed his acquilles heel: his fear of elderly female pool players? 'Sweet God, NO!' he thought to himself. 'Don't move a muscle! She'll know, SHE'LL KNOW!!'
But the Binks mojo ultimately come to Veto's rescue, and the granny scratched on the eight ball to end the game five. Furious George 4, The Mouse Trap, 0.
Finally, it was the final match of the night. The pairing that everyone had been waiting for and talking about! Creepywhite versa Fast Eddie Hothead, ranked an impressive 7. To say Fast Eddie has a temper would be like saying Bam Bam has a bank shot. It is fast and powerful, unpredictable in all its raging glory. Yes, and one could easily understand why Eddie had reason to be agitated tonight. Things clearly weren't going his team's way, and he now had to face his arch nemesis, Creepywhite. Creepy had already whupped him one, and how could anyone forget? With the last game of that legendary first match at its apex, with Creepy poised to tap in an easy shot on the eight ball for the win, Fast Eddie suddenly exploded, sending pool balls flying and F-bombs sailing. Cleary, our hero had worked his way into Eddie's psyche under his skin. He forfeighted with little honor left in tact.
At first, it appeared that tonight would be no different. Creepy gained early control and Fast Eddie cursed at balls, candidly telling the 14 to 'Fu@*' iteslf after a close miss in the side pocket. He lashed his cue above the table like a saber, sending his pocket marker into flight with a direct blow. 'That M&M guy went flying off the table like a missle,' said one stunned onlooker. Fast Eddie was boiling over, about to explode! The crowd could sense it, and people began to move away. Slowly at first, and then quicker, with a more urgent pace. One worried patron - some would say a hero - grabbed an old woman's arm and quietly escorted her to safety. She thanked him, and offered to repay him with a homemade fruitcake. Veto moved away from the bench, fearful of the spit and stink that appeared to be coming his way. It was a terrible scene by any standards!
But in the end, by some tragic twist of fate, Fast Eddy prevailed. Creepy took him to his breaking point, and then kindly took his foot off his throat. It was a rare a gift in the end. And perhaps it was for the best. God only knows what kind of fury Eddie would have unleashed on that barfull of her helpless victims. 'Fast Eddy makes Urquhart look like a peacful Buddhist Monk,' commented one Furious George teammate, though he still demanded to remain anonymous.
'It was a strong team effort tonight,' said a strangely content Coach Urquhart afterwards, 'a good team win. We all played with focus, pride, determination, will... I don't see any reason why we won't keep this up.' 'They're just doing what they always do,' commented one sports talk radio host from 1080 The Fan, 'charging up from the middle of the pack and going after a divisional title.'
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