Sorry, our regular reporter is off learning how to count so that he can teach his son someday.

BTB? Bad to the bone? Back to basics? Who knows? Who cares? Three weeks into the Spring session and FGPB was playing at home for the first time in forever. But alas, who would show? Veto the ball whisperer? Nope. The only report we had about the status of VTBW was from Captain Urquhart when he was overheard saying that 'the little freak was probably distracted by super ball that was talking to him.' Weighlum? No such luck. Again, Urquhart was overheard bitching about the fact that the match was scheduled on a Wednesday night so he could make it; but alas...it was also date night. Strike two. Blackbeard? Eventually showed; but by that time the match was almost over.

How would the team react? With three 3s, one 4 and Toby (still reeling from being cheated out of his Monday night match by...oh yeah, himself); would they possibly have a chance?

Chewy was first up. Two minutes in and he was down to two balls. (that sounds bad). He then chased those two balls around the table for the next ten minutes. (Again, that sounds bad.) But in the end he focused and took game one. Off to a great start; but then the focus slipped away and he dropped the next two games. There is hope; because he shoot very well and I'm sure he will recover quickly.

Next up was the probi UNO. Would the new recover from his bout with Small Pox? Yes, in fact he would. But first, he tried a new trick. Waiting until his opponent's lag was completed before lagging himself. Despite the foul; the opposing team didn't call it. In shock after the near brawl at Kenton Club, Uno started the match. Three up, three down. Another win for the new guy. Here's hoping he doesn't jump to a 7 again, or he will find himself back on the Captains sh*t list.

Third at bat was the Captain himself. With whiskey in hand, he lagged for the break. Holy weak crap. Despite his best efforts, he barely made it to the other end of the table. First game was a long, drawn out study of frustration. Missed shots, missed Ds; it was all just missing. Game two was a repeat. Ah, but then he remembered the comment from Veto about his special D ability. And the the comeback began. Win in game three; win in game four; and win in game five.

Binks up 2-1.

Miss Norton's turn at the table. Reporting is a little vague from this point on. The new reporter, making a rookie mistake, had one or two more whiskeys. Despite shooting well, Miss Norton lost to the Poundcake. Comments about her opponent taking the cake were not met with appreciation. Norton vowed that from that day on; Poundcake would pay! Voodoo is her secret weapon.

Binks tied 2-2.

Creapy was up. Could he redeem himself in the team's eyes? Or would he be traded to the kenton club for a bag of peanuts? He won the lag! Toby never wins the lag. He won the first game. He never wins the first game. Won the second. Won the third. Would it be a sweep? Not tonight. Lack of concentration seemed to be dooming the team. Would he fall as well? Game 4 lost. Game 5 lost. And then the return of the real Toby and he won game 6.

Binks wins 3-2.

First win of the season. The drive to the playoffs starts here. No justice, no peace. Live free or die. Let freedom ring. Nothing to fear, but fear itself. Tear down that wall! A house divided will not stand. Hmmm...doughnuts.

KENTONITES PROVE TO BE STICKLERS FOR THE RULES... FURIOUS GEORGE GETS PINCHED, THEN FALLS SHORT IN COMEBACK EFFORT

As Creepywhite stepped to the table for the first match on Monday night, the Kenton Club appeared to be full of good vibes and harmony. Beer flowed freely and laughter was in the air. A band played old-timey American roots music in the background. Creepy shuffled and danced to the music, doing his best Mick Jagger chicken dance in between shots. Down 1-0 to Snaggle Shaft - the Kentonites most feared player - Creepy felt confident and looked to even up the score in game two. The eight ball hung deep in the pocket, and the cue ball was merely inches away. Victory seemed assured.

"Not even Urquhart could screw this one up," commented Mixa.

But apparently Creepy could. He forgot to mark his pocket and the Kentonites pounced like Tonya Harding at a crow bar factory. A wry smile crept across Captain Burt's face as he announced their decision. "Ooooh, yeah, sorry about that guys. We're gonna have to call that one."

The Georges were shocked and appalled. Sure, the rules are the rules, but would anyone on their bench have called that foul? And more to importantly, does anyone really want to win that way? Creepy, no doubt, was stunned. Chewy sat speechless. Willie covered his eyes. Mixa temporarily gagged on her turkey sandwich. Veto's nostrils flared, and at least one witness claims to have seen smoke coming from his floppy ears.

Urquhart, however, offered little resistance. The coach actually seemed... well, happy.

"I hate to see us lose one that way," he said afterwards, "but I do enjoy screaming at Creepy when he screws up."

Creepy battled back, but ultimately lost 5-3 to the Kentonites ringer. Had he been credited with a win in game two, he surely would have won the match.

Mixa was sent up next, and the home team ramped up their brash intimidation tactics. They gave her nasty looks, and heckled her when she failed to let the cue ball roll to a complete stop after a table scratch. With momentum on their side, the Kentonites continued to catch all the rolls and Mixa lost in yet another heart breaker.

Down 2-0, it was up to Black Beard to mount the comeback charge. And mount the charge he did indeed! Our favorite pirate stormed out of the gates with his flintlock pistols blazing. "Ye landlubbers will feel the cold steel of my mighty sword in yer crusty arses!" he snarled towards the Kentonites bench as he prepared for the opening break. He then proceeded to shoot with deadly accuracy, picking up a break and run patch and steamrolling to an impressive 3-1 victory.

"Arrrrrrr," smiled Black Beard afterwards, when asked to describe how he felt about his performance.

Black Beard had done his job, and reignited the fire on the George's bench. They were down 2-1, but they were far from out. Following Black Beard's lead, Veto took Captain Burt out behind the wood shed for an old fashioned butt whooping in match four. It took just 15 innings for him to finish off the 5-1 victory.

A foggy glaze covered Burt's eyes. He looked stunned, and confused. "That must have felt like a sucker punch to the balls," summarized Chewy afterwards.

"That one was for Creepy," commented Veto, obviously referring to the gross injustice his teammate had suffered earlier in the night.

With the match tied 2-2, Captain Urquhart strode to the table. Feeding off the energy of the previous two matches, the George's leader was smooth, confident, and fearless. His patented brand of Special D was on full display for everyone to witness. He barely gave his opponent any room to breath, and before long the poor fool was about as frustrated as a man can get. He began to twitch and snivel uncontrollably. His nose ring shook like a wind chime on a stormy night.

The match came down to a hill-hill battle and, with two balls left, Urquhart found himself with a ball in hand opportunity. Sadly, he mangled it yet again, leaving himself poor position on his second shot and ultimately giving ball in hand right back to his opponent. The Kentonites could finally breath easily. With nothing but the eight ball left on the table, they happily accepted Urquhart's gift and finished off the match.

The Kentonites 3, Furious George 2.

"El Capitan played with passion, pride, and an unwavering determination tonight," commented Veto when asked about his play, "as did the rest of the team. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you give that kind of effort. We easily could have won 4 matches tonight."

"I still like the way our team is playing," said Captain Urquhart afterwards. "We've lost a few close ones sure, but that happens sometimes. We'll turn this thing around and catch a hot streak before long, I can feel it in my bones. "

Next up for Furious George: a Wednesday night make up match with the meth heads from Sweet Home.

NUMERO UNO ACHEIVES HIGHEST RANKING IN TEAM HISTORY... URQUHART HAS ISLAND NAMED AFTER HIM... FURIOUS GEORGE LOSES IN ANOTHER HARD FOUGHT BATTLE

Much to the chagrin of head coach Urquhart, the new guy has set a major team record in just one week of play. With a masterful performance in his first outing at the Blue Parrot, Numero Uno has escalated to the top of the APA mountain. "He was so powerful," said local APA official Boomer Humphreys, "that we had no choice but to rank him a 7. He probably would have been a 9 or a 10 if the rankings went that high."

Said Veto, "Wow, Numero Uno has been on our team for one week and has already achieved the highest ranking in team history. Very impressive indeed. I am humbled in his presence."

Urquhart, however, did not share Veto's warm and fuzzy feelings towards Numero Uno's record setting performance. "He needs to come down off of his high horse and remember one thing: he's still just the FNG around here! He's a worthless peon, a neophyte, a helpless ninny who still needs me to wipe his ass. You hear that new guy? I WIPE THE ASSES AROUND HERE!"

When reminded that the new guy is popular with teammates and has been widely credited with bringing a burst of fresh energy to the mix, Urqhuart replied, "He hasn't done anything yet except annoy me. Does he have a conference championship under his belt? No. Does he have any APA trophies on his mantle? No. Does he have an island and a bridge named after him like I do? Puh-lease."

Confirmed Urquhart's young nephew, "Its true, they named Ross Island and The Ross Island Bridge after him. He knows Santa Clause too, he told me so himself. Uncle Ross is my hero!"

In other news, Furious George lost another hard fought battle on Monday night, this time to the 8 Ballers from U&I Tavern. Hoping to set the tone early, Urquhart called his own number in match one. While his shot making and strategery were impressive, he was ultimately unable to pull out the win. "I can't get too down on myself for losing to that guy," said the captain afterwards, "he was just sooooo cute."

Sadly, things went down hill from there for The Georges. Veto had the lone win of the night, sweeping his opponent 4-0 and salvaging a small bit of pride for the team.

The Georges are currently 0-2 on the session, and have a total match record of 3-7.

In a rare moment of clarity afterwards, Urquhart managed to sum things up nicely: "Its no time to panic. We've lost a few close ones this session, but that's just they way it goes sometimes. Its still early, and this isn't the first time we've started slow. It won't be the first time we come roaring back either. At the end of the day I like the way our guys are playing and I like our chances. I feel like next week is going to be a big win for Furious George."

NATIVE AMERICAN RIGHTS GROUPS GO ON WAR PATH... FORCE VETO TO RETRACT ENTIRE POST

In response to a flurry of complaints from Native American rights organizations - here in the Northwest and elsewhere throughout the country - Veto has decided to remove his most recent post.

"We do not deny that Mr. Veto hustled one of our elders out of $5 at The Bitter End Pub," said Chief Mocking Bird of the Umatilla tribe. "We are used to such con jobs from the white man. But to ridicule our heritage, to speak in such ignorant stereotypes, to disrespect our women and children as he has... this Veto must pay."

Answering questions at a tense press conference that followed, Veto attempted to clarify his position: "Truth is, I didn't even know she was Native American at first. If I had to guess I probably would have gone with Mexican, maybe even Chilean or one of those other countries down in South America. I didn't find out about her heritage until afterwards, over a cigarette, as she wailed out stories about life on the reservation. But it didn't really matter to me anyway. All I knew was this woman challenged me to a game of pool for $5. She could have been from the shanty towns of Jamaica or the slums of Guatemala for all I cared. I was playing for pride. Come on people, everyone knows I still have nightmares about Margaret from the Mouse Trap. Gives me the chills just thinking about her face. Imagine losing to another old gray hair - and this time for money. It was too terrible to even think about. Her blood lines were the least of my concerns."

But the crimes of generations past still blow strong in the wind, and the Umatillans are proud Indian warriors. Veto had slipped at the tongue, and offered up red meat. Like it or not he was in their cross hairs now - the cross hairs of vengeance - and they refused to let him out of their sights. "We will skin him like a buffalo and carve tee-pees from his hide!" cried Chief Mocking Bird outside the conference hall. The swarming crowd of injuns exploded in agreement. They roared and danced and chanted, and pierced many ears with their war cries.

"Look Chief," Veto replied - he was hidden behind a wall of police escorts, being pushing towards an unmarked van - "I meant no disrespect to your people. And I took down the post. Now please, tone down the menacing threats."

"Hmm-mmm," sighed one Furious George fan, shaking his head in disbelief. He stood across the street, witnessing this modern day witch hunt unfold. It was a scene made for the CNN news ticker: mob of angry Indians finally get their day, shake down white man in broad daylight for whole town to see... "

"Poor Veto," he muttered to himself, "it ain't easy being a hustler."