FURIOUS GEORGE ANXIOUSLY AWAITS URQUHART'S RETURN... TEAM LOSES MOMENTUM, PRIDE DURING CREEPYWHITE REGIME

After spending the week at Furious George's practice facility in Northeast Portland, beat writer RJ Pinkerton was appalled at the state of the team. "The Georges are in disarray!" he warned. "Their hearts are black and their minds are bent, its even worse than before Urquhart went!"

At first, last week's meltdown against U&I appeared to be directly linked to yet another Urquhart blunder. He did, after all, leave for Italy with the red dot ball stashed securely in his carry-on bag. "I like to have it close to me," the captain admitted to reporters via e-mail. "Its kind of like my security blanket. I like to touch it, caress it, rub its cold hard surface against my cold hard head... Sometimes I even sleep with it tucked between the rolls in my belly. Its my everything."

After further review, however, it appears that the red dot ball fiasco was probably the least of their worries. "Last week was awful," said Mixa. "Terrible," moaned Bam Bam. "No energy at all!" cried Chewy. Black Beard choked back tears, and refused to even discuss it. "It gives me a headache when I think about it," he whimpered, "and frankly I'm tired of crying in front of my kid."

"I never thought I would say this," commented a perplexed and desperate Veto, "but we need Urquhart back. The discipline has disappeared. The passion is nonexistent. The pride has evaporated like vapor in the wind." He then paused, wiped a stream of running snot from his gaping nostrils, and began to weep openly. "Oh dear God!" he howled, "I thought for sure things would be better with Urquhart out of the country, but now Creepywhite has forced me to rethink my every view in life! Damn it," he sobbed, "I never thought I would hate another coach more than I hate Urqhart, but now I fear I was wrong about that too... I don't even know what's going on anymore. Its like the Twilight Zone around here."

Indeed, the Creepywhite regime has been a taxing and brutal one indeed. Players are losing morale by the minute. Fans are seething and beginning to take on a mob-like mentality. "DOWN WITH CREE-PY, DOWN WITH CREE-PY," one protest group chanted in front of his home on Friday evening. The angry mob screamed profanities and slurred personal attacks toawards his family. They carried torches and wore white hoods over their faces. Some even threw rotten fruit at his garage door and set bags of dog poo ablaze on his front porch.

"These are tough times for Furious George," summed up a dejected Waylund, who has taken several unexplained personal days off of work this week. "My head just feels tired and achy," he explained, "my arms too heavy to lift another box of produce off the truck."

Try as he might, interim head coach Creepywhite is no Urquhart. Much like the 2008 Dallas Cowboys, Furious George is a team loaded with talent and idiocy alike. The players need a coach who can impose his steely will upon their weak and impressionable minds; someone who understands discipline, direction, and fury! In a conference that is perhaps the toughest in all of sports - comparable only to the AL East in baseball and the NFC East in football - fans and owners in the NOPO division have little tolerance for failure.

"This is a today business," said Binks owner Justin, who held a press conference from his bar on Saturday morning. His wife stood by his side, holding his arm and wiping tears from her cheek as he spoke. "And today I am appalled at the state of my franchise. Urquhart, if you are out there listening, I beg of you, PLEASE come home soon. The session is slipping away, and your team needs you."