URQUART TURNS 40, REVEALS SECRET BIRTHDAY WISH

Today, Urqhuhart turns 40. Many will send cards and birthday wishes. Some will send flowers. One underage street hustler turned sex slave will shower him with unthinkable pleasures - but only for $200/hr and begrudgingly, of course. A few will probably go with the most obvious gift: a fifth of whiskey with a bow on it.

Many others will simply send their congratulations. "Its amazing that his liver has held out so long," said one drinking partner from The Post, "I never thought he'd make 35, never mind 40."

But I can tell you this friends: save your time, money and effort on such irrelevant birthday gifts and wishes. My award winning investigative reporting (well, not quite yet, technically, though Weighlum assures me a Pulitzer awaits) has turned up a stunning new piece of information. The only thing that Urquhart secretly desires for his 40th birthday is... yes, it's true, a 'bromance'.

As news of the fiery Captain's birthday fantasy spread through the ranks of the team, panic quickly began to set in. "Oh please," sighed a terrified Numero Uno, "please don't let it be me!" Creepy put on his headphones and embarked on a 4 hour run, trying desperately - though ultimately in vain - to block the possibility from his mind. Veto shivered and turned a disturbing shade of greenish-pale, though he knew the odds were slim he would be picked. "I just want to vomit right now," he said. "The thought alone is too much for my stomach to handle." Chewy retreated to the back of Binks, scurrying up the pipes and onto the roof. He brought a sleeping bag, and a back pack full of food, beer, and smoke. "I'll stay up here as long as I have to," he said, defiantly. Blackbeard dove head first into a barrel of rum, and then opted for a game of Russian Roulette in the Captain's quarters of his ship. Fortunately for the Georges, he didn't lose. "Arrrr," said the shaken pirate, "I'd rather blow me brains out and be fed to the fishes than be subjected to that kind of torture. Arrrr, woe is me!"

"None of those guys have to worry," confirmed Urquhart, when finally reached for comment on Friday morning. "I've already picked out the perfect friend for my bromance," he said, blushing and proud, "and it's not any of those retards. The winner is... obviously... Weighlum."

"Of course!" cried a relieved Veto. "It makes perfect sense. Urquhart has always been so nice and respectful towards Weighlum, even when he was missing in action all of those sessions. It always seemed so illogical and wayward of his personality, until now."

"I knew there had to be a dark, sinister reason why he kept Weighlum on the roster all this time," commented an equally relieved Creepywhite, "and now, I supposed, its time for the poor bastard to pay the piper."

As of press time, Weighlum was nowhere to be found. He has avoided all phone contact and work obligations. The angry pit bosses at his grocery store fumed, stating that he hadn't shown up for work or even bothered to call. Audry told reporters that he had gone fishing, and asked them to please stop calling her house. Their dog Wrigley moaned a low, lonely howl in the background. One neighbor stated he witnessed Weighlum's truck tearing out of the neighborhood at breakneck speed shortly after the news broke. "The smell of burning rubber lingered in the air for a good two hours," he said. Another friend claims he put on a fake beard and retreated to Mexico, vowing never to return.

"There are a lot of conflicting stories out there," commented Anderson Cooper from CNN, "but one thing is for sure: Weighlum is in hiding, deep hiding."

"Oh, I'll get my 40th birthday wish," stated a confident Urquhart, "or there will be serious hell to pay. Just come on out Weighlum, and lets get this over with."

Elsewhere on the Northeast side of town, Chewy sat on the roof of Binks, waiting and alone. He had forgotten to bring a transistor radio, and had yet to hear the news. "Can I come down yet?" he screamed over the passing cars on Alberta Street. The juke box rang out onto the patio, and no one below seemed to hear him. It would be another 14 hours before he climbed down and rejoined society; safe from Urquhart's bromance, yes, but never again to be the same.